Full Empty

"There are these kids who have dreams

then there are these dreams that will grow

until they get so goddamned big that they explode

And what's left in the smoke and the falling debris

are grownups like them and losers like me".

- anon

"Houston, We Have a Problem"

. . . An effing problem with procrastination, that is.

On a less self-denigrating note, here's one of those songs that you just gotta fall in love with once introduced to. On days that just isn't fall but not quite winter, short of hours before doomsday strikes, this is a always a good song for the lonely. Heck, it's a good song for the lonely. Period.

Am I Doing The Pantomime?

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinion, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation." -Oscar Wilde

What if we are nothing underneath our skin? Perhaps we are merely a collection of thoughts learned, quotes found, passions emulated and dreams followed. Maybe I am. The thought is too depressing for a weekend half wasted. Oh tidak. I need some green tea ice-cream. And some catching up with the surreal biatches living their unrealistic lives in the Upper East Side. Oh boy.

What's In A Little Rain?

What's in a little rain?
The smell of grass, a puddle you pass.

What's in a little rain?
A drizzle on my curly hair, a rainbow if you may.

What's in a little rain?
A shifting shadow, a passing time, now that you ask.

What's in a little rain?
Nothing less than a stroll that made my day.

Because I Don't Want To Forget

"There must be an answer for everything, if only you knew how to set forth the questions."-233

"Some lived careful lives and some lived careless lives, and everything that happened could be explained by the difference between them."-254

"A person who'd been moved around a great deal never acquired a fixed point of reference but wandered forever in a fog--adrift upon the planet, helpless, praying that just by luck he might stumble across his destiny."-115

Those feeling lost and are in the losing, pick up The Accidental Tourist by Anne Tyler. Nothing like curling into a good book once you feel like you're losing the groove. Drug yourself with some Alice Hoffman magic too, while you're at it. A sure cure for those going back to school blues. I feel thankful ma thrust-ed these books under my nose. Now, if only I can permeate through this writer's block; have but one article and an intern testimony to fuss about. Sigh.

Singing In The Shower

Sometimes it's as simple as sharing a cake in the car, this pursuit of happiness. Other times it's singing in the cold shower after a sweaty, manic Monday or finding yourself lost in tangles of dreams as you pore over pages of a good book. Some prefer the intangible feeling of remembering the tune to a song they were struggling to recall. I wish it was all that AND finding the missing piece to the puzzle that is me.

Walimatul Urus

Encik/Cik/Tuan/Puan/Dato'/Datin/Tan Sri/Mak Sri/Tun/Tin,

This is weird. This coming Friday, I will have been married to a rich, pompous man with a frightening belly for many years now. Complementing him, I will be a pretentious, stuck up, middle-aged woman (perhaps approaching premature menopause) who is devastatingly silly in her speech and quirks. Laugh at me silly as I blow some poor man's ass off with a tiny (but loud) cap gun!

I Will Marry When I Want, by Ngugi Wa Thiong'o and Ngugi Wa Mirii. You are cordially invited.


(This isn't the official flyer)

A sneak peek of my favorite song in the play:

Do What You Wanna Do, Even If It's Fucked Up Haiku

Pimples di kulit kepala

Pimples di leher dan anggota

Pimples membabi buta, merata-rata.

Now rambut ada "body", maybe

tapi kelemumur datang lagi

diikuti debut split ends yang oh sangat terkeji.

Nak baca buku, mata tutup

Dua belas helai by Monday kena meletup

Econ exam hari Khamis buat saya nak masuk chicken coop.

Tak campur Kekasih Malam Ahad

atau falsafah Human Rights dengan masa terhad

dan latihan yang berhari-hari makin die-hard.

Lumrah hidup kadang-kala mati
Esok lusa awak pulak yang rasa nanti

Jemput beri salam dan semangat to me, sini mari!

New PM, Bring Us No PMS

On the other side of the world,  I am a passive Malaysian youngster who watches by the sidelines, stories--some that makes her tiny Malaysian ass flare with pride, but mostly crap that sends her cringing--of her nation. I blatantly proclaim I know peanuts to put my two cents worth on the circus of a political scene we have in that country, but I do see enough revolt in its people to know there is urgent need for a changed Malaysia.

Like other Malaysians watching Dato' Seri Mohd. Najib bin Abdul Razak being sworn in as the sixth PM, I can only pray he does us, the people, some good. The foreign media have been having a field time taking stabs at the laughable (and dire) administration of Malaysia; so please, let us have the last laugh. A PM for the new times hopefully means a new hope, a more just governance and happier rakyat. As you frame your 100 first days, I will be waiting, alongside 25 million others and the stage that is the world, watching. 

Musings, Revisited

Many atimes I ponder if the world would come to a halt had it been me behind a piercing scream, shattered glass and dead silence as the lights dim out and emotions, lost. A month before, a week before, a day before, an hour before, today, as such. . . it doesn't matter. Impending birthdays bring that sense of uncertainty whether your sense of being creates some sense for the world around you. They make you pause and wonder if there are many more to come. There are dreams to catch, people to love, and lives to lead. How many more fortnightly days of March will I take reign before these are mine for keeps?

Elephant In The Room

Have you heard that elephants don't forget? And like them, I never forget a smell. Now all I ask is if you'd let me not forget you. So speak truth, will I ever get a whiff of you? 100 or so days to come, in my wishful thinking.

The Forgotten -lah

Lah. It's an integral component of my life as a Malaysian. It is my identity as a Malaysian. I say it, I hear it, I overhear it, I write it. To make a long story short, my language and experiences are rich with lah, lah.

Okaylah. Shit lah. Tahilah. Fucklah. "Rajinlah you". "Cutelah you". Adoilah. Sweetlah. Cannot stand it lah. "Whatlah you!". "Why lah?". Alah. Besoklah. Tak mau lah. Busuklah. Bodohlah. Good lah. Baiklah. Takutlah. Love you lah. "Can lah?". Pak Lah. Masalah.

These are uttered effortlessly, every passing day. By the by, you know what I forget?

Alhamdulillah.

Sometimes I need reminders like this.

p/s: With a very sheepish face (imagine shyness to the power of 10), I formally welcome the Ahmats to this blog. Sister tells me she found this through an interested friend who googled her name, and showed her. Brother insists that the senior googled himself and asked "You dah baca blog adik?". Adoilah. Malu lah like this. Please read sparingly. Segan-segan datang sebulan sekali only, okay? Haha. Muahs!

Show Nima Some Love

Requited love: When it comes knocking on my door, I will carry the sunshine in my pocket. All through life, 28, 47, 60 and all. Or till the day I am six feet under.

Requited love: They should come in droves like my unsuspecting bundle of joy. A child's unconditional love, you see. Why can't we love like that?

It's high time you both blow your aunt some kisses, loves.

p/s: From way up there, you and I, you and I.



p/p/s: This song belongs in my "overplayed" playlist. Think it'll make into yours? Yes, I'm sleep-ingrid Michaelson for a week now=)

142 to say 143

One special day in 365 (and a 1/4 to be precise), maybe.
But I spend every waking second, minute, hour and day
knowing that when I determinately find that happy ending,
every day will be a 142, when I get to say 143.

It's Only When I Sleep

Good call.

Good call to what I did

as the night consumed
and a brand new day
unraveled forward. Because

At last,
we meet in my dreams.

At last,
we spy the sun rising
the same instant.

At last,
the motions of the world
raced to a halt before us.

At last,
we spoke, with the space, none
between us.

At last,
I saw you as I want to see you.

At last,
we felt as I want us to feel,
and sure.

Meet me in my dreams
again and again
over and over
eternal and forever
till it's all but just a dream.

a tempo

I will, I will tell you;
at a time when the skies are blue,
the world is mine, and the time, ours.

I Seek Thee

Infectious giggles, tongue-tied moments, scattered thoughts battling their way out, looping random conversations and bursts of laughter from a much awaited voice; those are what I seek for a long, long time now.

Sound Advice (pun intended)

Take a step back and be mute once in a while because you'd be surprised at the beautiful sounds you hear with your heart.

Blind & Blinded

I am blind but I think I have met a man with the prettiest eyes.