Why I I

I am So Happy, It's Sad

I fall in love and it tortures me
the inner peace makes me restless
I fall in love and it consumes me
the inner joy besets me in melancholy
I fall in love and it torments me
the inner contentment feels insufficient
I fall in love and it proves deep
the inner security is shallow
I fall in love and it brightens me
the inner glow casts me in darkness
I fall in love and it comforts me
the inner luxury gives me blisters

by Zwelibanzi Moya, a mentor and dear friend I gained in Johannesburg, ZA

The start of something beautiful scares me aplenty. The mind plays foolish tricks and questions the unquestionable, speaks the unspeakable, judges the unnavigable. But I tell myself it's going to be okay as I shush myself to sleep, for he is ready to be a friend. Not like the last one. And again, he, my friend who will always be a friend no matter what, is right, He is always there for me. I am never alone.

Still, I just want to be okay today.

Sleepless in Chicago Waiting for Perfect Man to End Her Sleepless Nights

I'm accepting boyfriends with captivating cover letters and brilliant CVs. Talents aside boring academic achievements and computer literacy are given strong preference. Although a good GPA is a strong indicator of your priorities (be it upright, or not right), I am willing to overlook that tiny detail if "spooning" is included in your list of experiences.
 
Merits are given to men who possess the ability to make others laugh, who don't mind listening to a woman's pointless, verbose stories and most importantly, who is not berkira. You will automatically be considered if the application covers some experience in patiently waiting for an indecisive girl while she shops.

All things considered, applicants with successful achievements at domestic capacities (like cooking, washing, cleaning) will be shortlisted for Webcam interviews. This is not, in any way, hinting at the possibility I will make a lousy wife. Rather, I am looking for men who would like to share the love and burden in the upkeep of a household, and not the "You duduk dapur, I tengok bola, makan pizza jadi buncit" kind of guy.

A detailed account of your previous relationships are encouraged, but not required. Note that intimacy and how you "got physical" with your exes are one of the few things I absolutely don't have to know, don't want to know and don't need to know about. Euw and double euw.

Since I am an equal opportunity "recruiter", I ask that you please don't include your passport-sized photos. I look for your "voice" in the CV, not your handsome Bollywood face, your mancung, mat salleh-like nose, or your $1000 braces, thank you very much.

Personality, no doubt, triumphs over beauty, but I would be extremely delighted if you could kindly insert snapshots of your fingers and arms. Long, nimble fingers are my fetish, and strong-looking arms with tersembul-sembul veins are the kinds I dig, kapiche?

 

Effective immediately, with an open deadline to date. No longer accepting applications once this frantic search for the imperfect men perfectly perfect for the imperfect me is over.

Please revert applications to njahmat@734 eh eh tekan tekan tak dapat.

JFL ya'll. (Just for laughs). Just for laughs, right. And to let off some steam as I pull off, yet again, a late night in the library.

As a parting treat, enjoy some cheesy ads I found from fusion101.com.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, Call (xxx) xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy. Our Note: The ad above turned out to be an adoption offer for a black labrador retriever 8 week female from the Atlanta humane Society. It had 15,000 calls from men all over the country!!!!

---

Knight Seek His Queen
Male Seeking Female, 28 years old, 6’ 4” tall
This knight in shining armour is seeking an audience with the queen. If you enjoy having a man make you dinner, a man who will sweep you off your feet, treat you to the world of never ending respect, with adventure, humor, kindness, relaxation, and love mixed in for a solid foundation, than perhaps you are the queen for me. The Knight requests a Queen who will dress to impress. I will bow at your feet. If I sound interesting or you have a wish to find the man of your dreams, look no further, your Knight in shining armour has arrived.

---

1970 GMC w/Jet Skiis SWM, NM, GL, NS, SD, AC. Low mileage, custom paint, long sandy blonde graphics. 6'2" Lift. Bright hazel headlights will take 20-30 SF anywhere. Email for free test drive/ride.

---

When I was thirty my dates had to be young, tall, handsome, rich, intelligent. Now I'm 64, they only have to know how to read and use the telephone!

The Rise and Fall Fall Fall

It's eerily peculiar that we say we are 'into someone' when frankly human beings can only go 'into' cars, houses and coffins. The transcend into the 'falling' phase is another mistreatment of language, in the most literal sense. 'Falling' in love--a wistful catch-phrase that gets the better of most people who don't know any better.

But time and time again, you hear whispers of the truth, lying beneath stories and layers of histories of familiar faces, of hearts you care about, of lessons learned yourself. Your body tremors with laughter insulated with shame for you see it now--it is called 'falling' for accurate reasons.

It is, half the time, not by virtue of circumstance, space and time, but by failing to watch your step. That is how you 'fall', even 'falling' in love. Failing to find requited love upon 'falling', you end up at the darkest, deepest trench on earth--your aching heart.

Unmistakably, when the zenith of heavens are reached, and all goes well, you 'fall', too. You 'fall' into a rhythm so new yet so familiar, like it was set in stone, as are the moon, sun and stars veiling the universe.

I 'fell' in love with Colbie Caillat's Falling For You, and hard, too. But this is one of those "falling-s" that I can pick myself up from, though, thank you.

p/s: My 9.09pm of 09/09/09 was spent in no better way than I could imagine. I had my regular girl on her special day sans the regular guys, but it was worth every minute lying on the pavement waiting to capture a snapshot of the digital clock turning 9.09pm at the Maxis tower. Oops, yes, we missed Tarawikh. Apa pandang-pandang, haa? JK. Okay, roger and out.

Show Nima Some Love

Requited love: When it comes knocking on my door, I will carry the sunshine in my pocket. All through life, 28, 47, 60 and all. Or till the day I am six feet under.

Requited love: They should come in droves like my unsuspecting bundle of joy. A child's unconditional love, you see. Why can't we love like that?

It's high time you both blow your aunt some kisses, loves.

p/s: From way up there, you and I, you and I.



p/p/s: This song belongs in my "overplayed" playlist. Think it'll make into yours? Yes, I'm sleep-ingrid Michaelson for a week now=)

142 to say 143

One special day in 365 (and a 1/4 to be precise), maybe.
But I spend every waking second, minute, hour and day
knowing that when I determinately find that happy ending,
every day will be a 142, when I get to say 143.

Yes, I Know Who I Am

The Feist: 1 2 3 4

1, 2, 3, 4
Tell me that you love me more
Sleepless, long nights
That is what my youth was for

Oh, teenage hopes
Arrive at your door
Left you with nothing,
But they want some more

Chorus:
Oh, oh, oh,
You're changing your heart
Oh, oh, oh,
You know who you are

Sweetheart, bitter heart,
Now I can't tell you apart
Cozy and cold,
Put the horse before the cart

Those teenage hopes,
Who have tears in their eyes
Too scared to own up,
To one little lie

Chorus

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 9 and 10,
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 9 and 10
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then

Chorus x 4

For the teenage boys
They're breaking your heart
For the Teenage boys
They're breaking your heart

I know who I am. I am one of two who has changed heart. I am one of two who has drifted apart. From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. But I think I'm ready. I'm ready for the future, for the possibilities, for living life! This is it. I know what I want. I know what I feel. Let's just wait for time.

Bring These Words to Moscow

I know he doesn't read my blog, and I know some of you may think it's pointless, but I'm just gonna go ahead and fill this snippet with my birthday wishes to that lad in Moscow.

December 16, 2008

Dear Shahrul,

Happy 20th birthday. My friend told me that if I don't call you on your special day, the relationship is as good as over. And I don't want that. If it's gonna end, it's gonna end properly, with you telling me what you want, or till that day I finally see the light at the end of this tunnel.

And so I called, and I'm glad that you sounded happy even if we only talked for a split second before your friends bombarded your room to celebrate your birthday. Seriously, I'm not mad at all, I hope you don't think I was angry. You deserve some time off there in Moscow, and I know how it feels to be overwhelmed by friends who actually care enough to come and sing you birthday songs and pull pranks on you.

Two years have not been easy, and I appreciate every single thing we've gone through. It's rather easy for everyone to just say I need to move on, I know, but there's just so many things I'm thinking about. I think too much about the future, about not getting married, about not finding the "perfect" (of course, imperfect, but just the way I want him to be) man, and about maybe letting go of the person who might be the one. And maybe I've been making you sound really bad by whining about this dying relationship to people who don't know you, and who'd obviously take my side. But they don't know that you're a great guy, albeit poyo to some, but still my very important poyo person.

You were a good friend before you were a lover. I enjoyed the dinners we had at INTEC, and the conversations we shared. It's crazy to think what time and distance can do to you, because I know it's not very long ago when we could SMS like nobody's business and you'd call me everyday, for our short conversations, just the way I like it (yes, I don't really like to gayut lame-lame).

As my boyfriend, I must thank you for the countless times you paid for my movies, paid for my meals, walked me back home to mama's house (haha, and had to endure the interrogation session she gave you), waited for me although it killed you. I truly exercised my tyranny, knowing that I could do anything to you and get away with it. Haha. Although I complain that you don't write me cards, or send me presents, I like the way you hugged me, held my hands and looked at me like I'm the only person in the room, dengan tanpa pura-pura depan orang lain. That's one reason why I like you, because what you see is what you get.

Of course there're many things if I could, I would change about you, but then again, I'm not always perfect, aren't I? I've not been a good girlfriend in many ways, and that I openly confess now. But as I told Ems and Ainul when I was so swooned by this relationship, you've got the tangan berurat2 (haha), jari runcing (yes!), and the power main bola/sports quality-so dah pass banyak aspects of my QC. Most importantly, you are confident (not the tak lepas laku, tak reti cakap kind), and you've got so much drive in you.

However, as time progressed, I must admit I let my ideals get in the way, especially when I look at some of my friends whose boyfriends are rich, who can drive them around everywhere, buy them expensive presents, take them for those romantic dinners I've always been bugging you about; when I should have appreciated you just the way you are.

Surprise surprise, now that I write this, I realize that I've just been a spoiled girl who has too many ideals, and that never helps a relationship. But so much has lapsed between us, and I don't know what I feel about us anymore. And you saying "ntahla, i don't know lah" doesn't help much for me to feel this again. I just want you to tell me whether you still want me and it's just that your course is taking up your life, but you still want to go on with it. Or the other way around, whatever rocks your pansies (or boxers, in this case, haha. Haiyo, can still buat lawak).

All that aside, again I just wanna wish you a very happy birthday. If things don't turn out the way we thought it would, I guess I'll try to smile because it happened, and not dwell on why it's over. Thank you for everything, sayang.

Tagging Myself because I'm Pathetic

1.How old are you?
19, but I don't look a day over 15 *buat-buat tersipu-sipu*.

2. Are you single?
Let's just say Facebook had me in mind when they created the "It's complicated" status.

3. At what age do you think you’ll get married?
According to some cheesy Facebook (yet again) poll, I'd get married at the age of 24. I think that's rather too early. *calculates in mind* Think the life plan for me was 25-26. But God forbid, if I don't get married by 30, someone come meminang please!

4. Do you think you’ll be marrying the person you are with now??
*Pause* Pass!

5. If not, who do you want to marry?
As of now, I can only only hope for that person to:
a) be tak buruk, tak handsome sangat. Cannot handsome sangat because if I know people like me they'll be thinking "So mismatched. That guy good-looking, the wife muka terima kasih ajelah". And cannot lah be too buruk, I don't wanna be thinking about Nathaniel Archibald, Fahrain Ahmad or Zizan Nin everytime we pucker up. Haha.

b) be a good athlete, or at least plays a sport. Wah, hear me out first before you readily label me as superficial. This is really the best gift I can give to my kids. I'm trying to give them the "good in sports" genes, since if they were to come from me, alamat boleh main hockey and soccer/futsal so-so tapi tak terror-terror. Or boleh lari long-distance tapi tak jaguh. Hehe. Apparently, I've been on track with this so far, since most of the people I've dated/is dating/was gossiped with are *cough*extremely*cough* good at football.

c) bear arms yang ada urat terkeluar-keluar. I don't mean he needs to have really toned, muscular hands, just that those veins need to be popping out. I can't explain my fetish for this one, but I guess there's just something manly about a guy with hands that look like they've been worked, with time and labor both.

d) (pertaining to the hands again) have jari yang runcing. Yes, this is by far the most bizarre criteria I have (but keep on reading, I may surprise you even more). Stare at my fingers and you'll see why. Nice, long fingers are another thing I pray my husband can give my kids (of course it's ketentuan Tuhan, hehe, but you know, there's no harm in exercising natural gene selection).

e) start from rock bottom and shoot skyhigh. I mean it in terms of career, money, you know, the works. I like a man who has the drive to succeed, and not just going places because his dad is Datuk this or his mom knows Menteri ni. 'Course, if you're Mr. Ka Ching and you're madly in love with me and you don't fall in the second-sentence category, this goes out the window=P

f) be someone who can do housework with me, alongside me. No lazy man in the house for me. Make sure your CV includes cooking experience, because that's one hurdle we'd have to jump through TOGETHER.

g) someone who'd walk hand in hand with me until we grow old and sixty together; someone who won't run out of things to tell me after 40 years of living together; someone who'd still look at me like I'm the only person in the room eventhough I've lost all my teeth and gone all grey and loony.

6. Do you want a garden/beach wedding, or the traditional wedding?
Malay weddings are essentially traditional and semi-outdoors if held at home. Hotel for close relatives and friends, home for the whole world! Jemput-jemput!

7. Your ideal motif?
Fresh flowers are in, so that's a yes. Hm, this is too much for me to handle. Susah tau nak think of all those criteria I want in a man tadi.

8. Where do you plan to go on a honeymoon?
A pristine island or beach anywhere but in Malaysia. Maybe somewhere in the Carribeans? Bikini for the man! And I don't want that to happen in Malaysia where there'll be people ogling and pointing at me boobies and whatnot. Heh heh.

9. How many guests do you think you’ll invite?
Anyone who's made a significant impact in my life, sila angkat tangan. You'd be invited to the grand one. Yang kenal-kenalan can ajak for the wedding at the house or whatever.

10. Do you want an extravagant wedding or a simple wedding?
Depends on who I marry, doesn't it?

11. Do you want the traditional vows or something you’d make up on your own?
What?? We're Malays and Muslims dude. We do it the Akad nikah way. We've got the guy muttering his vow in one breath, then all the paperwork, then all the "batal air sembahyang" thing.

12. How many layers of cake do you want to have?
Does it even matter when the real cake would only be 2 layers the most, in most cases? So, I'd choose to make it a loooong bigggg one. Maybe in the shape of something special to the both of us.

13. Do you prefer having your reception at a hotel or at a simple place?
The grand one at a hotel or hotel-like place. Hm, but lauk will be kampung style like daging salai masak lemak, ayam goreng and sambal belacan! Whoppee. I'm going to defy tradition and melantak on my wedding reception!

14. When do you want to get married, evening or morning?
Nikah in the morning, reception at that night or the next night because night weddings are oh-so-glamorous.

15. You’d rather have your reception outdoors or indoors?
Dejavu. Hm, I keep giving answers ahead of the questions. Haiya. So, yes, it'll be both.

16. Do you like a grand entrance for your groom?
Hell yeah! With the kompangs and our favorite song and all that jazz!

18. Name the song/tune you’d like played at your wedding??
Heh, a girl is never too young to start collecting her wedding playlist. But now that the time has come to tell the world what my songs are gonna be, I forget. Hmph. But Sempurna by Andra and the Backbone, Love by Matt White, The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson are definitely on that list I have somewhere up in my head.

19. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Hm, a night-person, I guess. Because the darkness would deceive everyone and take their mind off my height?

20. Do you want a solemn ceremony or a light one?
I want loud, boisterous, meriah, boleh?

21. What age do you want to get married?
26-27. Tak bijak this questionairre. Bright and keypohci people like me will surely jawab way earlier.

22. Describe your ideal husband/wife.
Scroll up to number 5).

23. Do you prefer fine dining or just the normal spoon & fork/knife?
Spoon, fork and knife all the way y'all. And hands are welcomed too!

24. Champagne or red wine?
*Gasp* That'd be the end of a Malay wedding if people start infusing this into the wedding tradition.

25. Honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?
Right after. Why subject yourself to waiting when you know you wanna make love like bunnies now that you can? Haha.

26. Money or household item?
Money. Definitely. And I'll buy those household items 'cause I just don't trust your taste!

27. Who will pay for the bills?
Utilities? Hubby d-uh. Credit card too, please please *batters eyelashes and buat comel*?

28. Are you ready for married life?
Erk. *Looks left to right* Are you talking to me?

29. Will u always be true to your wife/husband?
Well, what he doesn't know won't hurt him. Hm, but then again, what I don't know won't hurt me either.... Tricky tricky.

30. How many kids would u like?
Tres! And can I have the two be twins? I have banyak twin genes in my blood tau--grandma from both sides and grandpa on mother's side--and you know what they say about this kind of thing skipping a generation.

31. A new house for a newly wed or an old one?
I think I deserve a new house after all the turmoil I've gone through. Hehe, bloody selfish.

32. Will u celebrate silver wedding, gold wedding, or diamond wedding?
*Squints one eye and garu-garu kepala* I'm assuming this is relating to anniversaries? On top of the occasional no-occasion gifts I'll be expecting from hubby, I of course expect all these anniversaries and would gladly embrace the rings/jewelries that come with it.

33. What kind of cuisine would u like for ur wedding?
Urgh. I don't wanna repeat myself. Read somewhere above.

34. Will u record ur honeymoon in a cd or dvd?
Tehee. Now that's a thought. My kids squealing and running to me after having found 'mama's and papa's *tidak boleh* (I mean, manja-manja lah) CD/DVD'? No thank you!

Why I Shop For Marisa Ahmat

1. Because she's the only one who can understand the love-hate relationship I have with my mother.
2. Because she sees my family's mistakes and, like me, doesn't want that to happen to us.
3. Because I can complain about my complicated family without having to pause and think about how she must be judging me that instant.
4. Because she taught me almost everything I need to know about this crazy life.
5. Because she just understands, no kidding.
6. Because her ideologies have become mine.
7. Because when I was a kid, she'd buy me stuff, belanja me eat and take me around.
8. Because she's my best shopping companion.
9. Because what's in her closet is mine. Hoho, and that means an endless supply of beautiful Mini-Kurungs and fancy kebaya-s for events, cool handbags to show off in front of friends, and different accessories to don every time. Sadly my feet are a size bigger.
   
10. Because she's going to be my wedding planner. She just has to.
11. Because if I die before she does, I know she's one person who won't lie about missing and remembering me forever.
12. Because she boosts my self-esteem by telling me I'm the smartest kid in my family.
13. Because she gave me two cute kids to love and who love me back.
14. Because she'd always send me parcels (I love receiving something in the mail).
15. Because she never misses my birthday.
16. Because she writes me long emails and comments on my Facebook pictures without fail.
17. Because she gives me sound advice, that somehow, just somehow, sounds better coming from her.
18. Because of the one million times just hearing from her lifts me up.
19. Because we're family.
20. Because she's my kaklong, and I'm her adik, and she's got no choice but to stick with me for life.
21. Because of instances like this:

"Yuhuu!!

Sorry for the late late reply!! I've been swamped at work and by the time I get back home, tgk PC pun dah tak selera.. apatah lagi nak turn it ON and go online.. at work I only have time to quickly update my status before my psycho of a boss sneak up on me.. tiba tiba je ada kat belakang I.. hehe freak!!

anyways, here's my 2 cents on the whole Shahrul thingy.. albeit a lil bit late:

1) On Long Distance Relationship

Well what can I say, it sucks.. BIG TIME!! I mean, it's hard enough having a normal relationship, let alone a long distance one.. like I said before, it takes a lot to make a long distance relationship work.. Lots of patience, understanding, effort, strength and etc...

Most importantly, it takes both sides to make it work.. To be fair, he might be dealing with some stuffs with his studies and what not, but he must be pulling his weight into the relationship too.. I mean like, you can't be making all the phone calls, the emails, initiating the YMs semua kan.. at least he must make some effort too.. at least some emails bertanyakan khabar.. and the short phone calls just to hear your voice and etc..

I mean, I know first hand about what it's like to be with someone yg pendiam, so of course we shouldn't expect that person to be a chatterbox like us kan.. but in my case, what made it work was that somehow I knew he missed me as much as I missed him and that even if it was only once a week that we get to talk to each other, it was enough for me.. so you know, he might not have much to tell you about his mundane life as a med student, as compared to you.. dahle he's there at the bleakest place on earth, so maybe you might wanna let it go abt him not having much to talk about... heheh

So from here you might wanna evaluate your relationship and see if he's making as much effort into this as you are.. if it seems like he's not, then maybe it could be for a million different reasons, and at the end of the day, only you can decide whether its worth keeping or not...

2) On Drifting / Growing Apart

I guess the distance can be a factor.. Plus the fact that he's busy with his studies and etc.. And also, people change... I don't know what his problem is not replying to your calls/ emails/ yms like that, but it's not nice lah... i know I would be pissed off..

and if he's saying like you've changed and you're getting sexier pun, it's prolly cause he's changed a bit too.. maybe he's the one who decided he can't take all that sexiness? or maybe he's just feeling insecure cause you're growing up to be a swan and he's so far away from you that he can't protect you or claim you as his girl ... u knowlah, all that shit.. tak paham la me sometimes.. one of the things i like abt abg man (despite all his flaws that just gets to me) is the fact that he doesn't try to change me.. tak kisah la, pakai shorts ke, sleeveless ke, apa ke.. tatau la whether he's just indifferent aka tak cakna, or he's totally OK with it..

hmm, guess you would need to have a long talk with him on the matter.. try to reassure him that it's still you underneath all the cool clothes you're wearing... hehehe or maybe, just maybe, you started to grow more boobs and having curves, that's why he thinks you are getting sexier? hahahah

3) So What To Do?

i wish I had the answer to that.. unlike other people, I'm not gonna say: break up with him? (although i know Mama will prolly be soo happy about it and say "dah agak dah" you'd breakup with him).. but i think if things doesn't change after you guys have tried to iron things out, then maybe it's best if you just let it be..

i guess what i'm saying is, instead of breaking up with him (you don't want to look back 6 years from now and regret about breaking up with this dr yang berjaya, or maybe even think that he was the one that got away...).. i guess you could be selfish, and let it die a natural death.. meanwhile, you can explore your options with other guys or whatever la..

of course, you're too young to get married and tied down.. but you're not too young to have a steady relationship if it's good for you.. and besides, how old is too young to have a steady boyfriend? and how old is too old to be even still dating and unmarried? you know what i mean? some people just start early, and some people are late bloomers.. but it's better than not having started at all...

i mean, if by you having a steady relationship is obviously affecting your life in a bad way ( bad grades, etc etc) of course i would be against it myself.. but hey, if papa can be open abt his kids dating, so why can't everyone else do the same? hehehe

if anything, our mom and aunts not a good example to go by lah.. ingat tak haritu when you tanya i pasal resipi and etc? and when tam got on the phone dia mcm sort of implied that why bother learning how to cook? nanti dah jadi career woman and get paid high enough, u can get someone to do the cooking... boleh? even mama pun masa u tanya tanya wan resipi b4 u balik sana dulu, she said like takyah masak selalu sangat and etc..

scary la these folks.. which i think is one of their biggest misconception.. i think no matter how successful a woman is, she should be good in the kitchen too, so that she can provide for her kids and husband.. i mean, no matter you CEO ke, apa ke, you still have to hormat your hubby and what not kan? i think you know what i mean... and i hope you've seen enuff to know well enough that we should never become like them.. uhuhu...

so there.. i dunno if it helps, but i guess you'll just have to play it by ear... if it all points that there is nothing left for you in the relationship, then by all means, you shd end it... if you've found someone else who's better, then walk away... but if he's come to his senses and wants you back and if you are willing to give it another shot, then do.. it's really up to you and like you mentioned, don't let anybody influence u...

hahah if they say women are hard to understand, then men are just as bad... huhuhu...

okla, too long already... do take care sis!! love you and once again, thanks for the handbag yg i bakal dapat... heheh muahs!!"

For all of the above, she deserves any amount of Coach hobos, Corelle livingware, Marc Jacobs watches, Victoria's Secret body mists that she fancies, don't you reckon?

Chhinta itu Susah. Period.

Four boyfriends, four very different people, four different experiences, and four important lessons I've learned.

Through the first, I learned that if he/she leaves you for personal gains and further achievements, he is not worth your time. Through the second, I learned that your first boyfriend isn't necessarily your first love, and your first love is truly your first love when you keep thinking back on him/her although he/she has somehow wronged you. Through the third, I realized that relationships can't work if you can't be yourself in it.

And my latest lesson now is that sometimes relationships fall out just because. There's no reason, no formula, no answers to that. If you can't talk on the phone for more than 10 minutes without running out of things to say, you really have to work on it. "Let not the water runs dry. Let not the words go by. Let not the love fades by". All out the door. Sigh.

So I can't lie to myself anymore. I'm not happy. I may sound bubbly, and happy and oh-so-fine in my blog posts, but I am lonely. I'm getting pimples. And I'm losing weight. Well, a huge part maybe because of the other things I'm going through, but partly because of this. Before I lost you, o-present one, I lost a really good friend. Now it seems like I'm going to lose you too. Lagilah I've lost another place to whine;a number to immediately call and cry out; a person to tell my terribly complicated family episodes; and a friend for me to bitch to.

I don't feel you around anymore. I can't see you looking at me like I'm the only person in the world anymore. I can't picture how you are, or how you look when you act all poyo or make lame jokes. This may seem gross to some (particularly people whom we've had to fight with to be together, and people who just doesn't understand that you don't need someone perfect to be your lover because as long as they have goals in life and love you and can provide for you, they're good enough), but I keep smelling your perfume in campus, and I know that sooner or later I won't get that privilege to be close enough to that smell again.

Then the other day you brought up how much I've changed. I can't see where all that is coming from. Have I really changed? Or have our different perspectives and experiences changed us both so much? I should think the latter. We don't talk anymore because we don't see, do, listen to the same things. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to stay and not know what to say. I don't want to leave and not know how it could've been. Try again in the next couple of years? That only happens in movies, never in reality. Hm, chhinta itu memang susah.

For now, this keeps me happy:

New Soul * Yael Naim

From LYRICSMODE.COM lyrics archive

Lost at what to do, (minus the smile this cartoon allusion of mine has on)