Sleepless in Chicago Waiting for Perfect Man to End Her Sleepless Nights

I'm accepting boyfriends with captivating cover letters and brilliant CVs. Talents aside boring academic achievements and computer literacy are given strong preference. Although a good GPA is a strong indicator of your priorities (be it upright, or not right), I am willing to overlook that tiny detail if "spooning" is included in your list of experiences.
 
Merits are given to men who possess the ability to make others laugh, who don't mind listening to a woman's pointless, verbose stories and most importantly, who is not berkira. You will automatically be considered if the application covers some experience in patiently waiting for an indecisive girl while she shops.

All things considered, applicants with successful achievements at domestic capacities (like cooking, washing, cleaning) will be shortlisted for Webcam interviews. This is not, in any way, hinting at the possibility I will make a lousy wife. Rather, I am looking for men who would like to share the love and burden in the upkeep of a household, and not the "You duduk dapur, I tengok bola, makan pizza jadi buncit" kind of guy.

A detailed account of your previous relationships are encouraged, but not required. Note that intimacy and how you "got physical" with your exes are one of the few things I absolutely don't have to know, don't want to know and don't need to know about. Euw and double euw.

Since I am an equal opportunity "recruiter", I ask that you please don't include your passport-sized photos. I look for your "voice" in the CV, not your handsome Bollywood face, your mancung, mat salleh-like nose, or your $1000 braces, thank you very much.

Personality, no doubt, triumphs over beauty, but I would be extremely delighted if you could kindly insert snapshots of your fingers and arms. Long, nimble fingers are my fetish, and strong-looking arms with tersembul-sembul veins are the kinds I dig, kapiche?

 

Effective immediately, with an open deadline to date. No longer accepting applications once this frantic search for the imperfect men perfectly perfect for the imperfect me is over.

Please revert applications to njahmat@734 eh eh tekan tekan tak dapat.

JFL ya'll. (Just for laughs). Just for laughs, right. And to let off some steam as I pull off, yet again, a late night in the library.

As a parting treat, enjoy some cheesy ads I found from fusion101.com.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, Call (xxx) xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy. Our Note: The ad above turned out to be an adoption offer for a black labrador retriever 8 week female from the Atlanta humane Society. It had 15,000 calls from men all over the country!!!!

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Knight Seek His Queen
Male Seeking Female, 28 years old, 6’ 4” tall
This knight in shining armour is seeking an audience with the queen. If you enjoy having a man make you dinner, a man who will sweep you off your feet, treat you to the world of never ending respect, with adventure, humor, kindness, relaxation, and love mixed in for a solid foundation, than perhaps you are the queen for me. The Knight requests a Queen who will dress to impress. I will bow at your feet. If I sound interesting or you have a wish to find the man of your dreams, look no further, your Knight in shining armour has arrived.

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1970 GMC w/Jet Skiis SWM, NM, GL, NS, SD, AC. Low mileage, custom paint, long sandy blonde graphics. 6'2" Lift. Bright hazel headlights will take 20-30 SF anywhere. Email for free test drive/ride.

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When I was thirty my dates had to be young, tall, handsome, rich, intelligent. Now I'm 64, they only have to know how to read and use the telephone!