It's Long Due, But This Is For You Sara Aziz.

Wan Maisara Wan Abdul Aziz--more fondly known as Ser or Sara--was just a name, a handful of stories, and snapshots to me about two years ago. First stumbling through her pictures from Aziana's (a close friend back in primary school) Friendster pictures (apparently they went for a vacation to great ol' London together), I found glory in putting a name, Ser, to that sweet face I envied, when I met Ainul in INTEC. It so turns out that Ser went to MRSM Langkawi for her last two years of high school and as Allah works in mysterious ways, three of my close friends in INTEC-- Ainul, Shahrul, Isa--were all Maresmawians. Also, Myra, another close companion in my SKBD days, was her best friend in MRSM Langkawi. Thus far was how my life got intertwined with Ser's.

From afar, she was the pretty, affluent, classy girl--the typical Damansara teenager who (I perhaps stereotypically deduced) had a car and donned designer clothes. Fully upholding my keypohci status, and bewildered by how small this world is that I can know someone completely by coincidence, I began to learn more about Ser. My hypotheses were proven, and I amused myself by becoming friends with her on Friendster so that I can ogle at her pictures and seemingly hip and happening lifestyle. Yes, it may sound rather creepy but I just can't explain myself. I find comfort in catching up with Damansara friends from a distance, probably because I was never part of them, seeing how I skipped grades; and probably because I did not have a lifestyle that matched theirs.

Then there was Ser's relationship with A, of which I think was a match that could put Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to shame. Haih, an eye-candy, athletic, well-off guy dating an equally stunning, rich girl? Of course-lah the stories keep coming and going. Hm, and then it's hilarious how I relentlessly tried to trick Shahrul into admitting that he thinks Ser is pretty (though he impressively never succumbed to my guilt-trips, and would only answer "Entahla, lain orang lain taste. I think you're cuter-lah. Haha *smiles*). But truly, from deep within me, I think she was beautiful. Pretty, and perfect, and had everything one could possibly desire.

But that's just it. It's all in the past tense now-- -ed, -ed, -ed! She was. She did. She went. I can't quite fathom how fast everything went by since June 2008 when I heard of her battling with third stage of lung cancer. At that moment, I couldn't help but mengucap and think about all those times I wondered about being in her shoes. Of being that It-girl. Of being the girl that everyone talked about. Of envying her to the point of being bitter about how my life could never be as sweet as her's was (in regards to the physical and material aspects or hal-hal duniawi as people say).

And it is now, almost a month after her mourned demise on October 19, 2008, that I see how much time I wasted on harping and envying the wrong things about her. It was not her exterior and all things that money could buy that I should have doted on her about. It was instead, the life she led, the passion she possessed and the never-ending strength and spirit she portrayed that should have overwhelmed me.

When I thought that Ser had a better life than mine, it should have been about how she had true goals and passions. What I found out from reading her blogs (though it's too late now) was that Ser was a big fan of photography, cycling and architecture. She had two blogs, one on Xanga (the more personal one), and another, a portfolio on blogger. A third website she hosted was a photolog on flickr. All three displayed myriads of fantastic, quality pictures which she herself took and edited with the SLR she carries around everywhere. She was hands-down, a talented photographer. Take my word for that, it's not my guilt of never knowing her that speaks. Her works were featured in the Rantai Art '07 exhibition in KL and she also had a Thaipusam snapshot published in National Geographic! Her work truly speaks for itself as she gets plenty of constructive comments and praises, from acquaintances and strangers both.

In this regard, I find it astounding how coherent and seamlessly related her interests were. She was an avid photographer who documented her favorite cyclists in snapshots, and she was also an aspiring designer who blogged about architecture, photos and etc. They all come together perfectly, and I find that it just goes to show that Ser has found that bigger picture in life. She knew what she wanted to do with her life, and sought out to do it. She formed close bonds with cyclists (you can read her entries on receiving cycling momentos from Spain and whatnot). I am amazed at how she did that, but nonetheless she did.

She embarked to RMIT immediately after completing her SPM, because she knew architecture and design would be her path. She built portfolios online, submitted photos to magazines and websites (found some on chapayam, deviantart.com) because she knew her pictures had treasures of stories to tell. I can only aspire to be half the person she was--a person who would act upon something--instead of a person just wanting to do this, wishing she could do that, wondering if she could have done this and that. Ser just did it, period. And she met and touched the lives of so many others along the way (even strangers who "know of her" or "heard about her promising talents" dropped Al-Fatihahs on her various weblogs).

Throughout her battle with the cancer too, she never once signaled defeat. She listed out all the food she would gladly pig out on when she got better. She vowed to never go on a diet again (yes, she was like any other girl who had those weight anxieties, though I can hardly understand why she ever needed to worry about that) once she was free from the parasitic cancer cells. She wrote about how much she missed her life as a kick-ass, struggling, busy architectural student, but never once blaming God for her misfortune.

She took pictures of her ailments, of the bruises she carried from all the needles that had to be stuck into her. She even exclaimed that the (seriously painful looking) pictures where something she just couldn't wait to share with everyone because she "thought it was rather cool". She stated her trips to the hospitals, from one doctor to the next, as a matter of fact. She painted a picture to her readers of how annoying and mercenary doctors can be (she refused chemotherapy until towards the end of her struggle). She had an unyielding faith and trust in God that she would get better and displayed admirable resilience. Her last sentence in her last xanga entry dated September 18, 2008 read:

'i'm not a delicate little flower,
i'm a SUPERWOMAN ".

It's clear that she never once crumbled inside. If I were placed in such predicament, I would have been wetting my bed every single night, screaming out in pain (she spoke of how her bruises hurt, and how the cancer was spreading to other parts of her body), and certainly not blogging at all. I would have been an emotional wreck and hating friends and people who could not be there for me. But Ser was indeed a superwoman, and I would give every bone in my body to have a third of her courage. A lot of people, I'm sure, were opposed to her refusing treatment, but we have to admire her maturity in making such decisions. She had only one life to live. It was for her to do things she loved, and which time was to be spent with people she loved, not on getting weaker as the chemotherapy eats a bit of her day by day.

In retrospect, Ser led a fulfilled life in the 20 years Allah has lent her. Given that there were so many more great accomplishments this young lady could have attained had she stayed with us a little longer, I still think she lived her life well. Try googling "Sara Aziz" and you'll be amazed, friends, that Google has pretyped search terms "sara aziz flickr", "sara aziz blog", "sara aziz lung cancer", "sara aziz passed away" and "sara aziz meninggal". There are copious amounts of tributes written, photo albums created and status posted for her, about her. She's a living legend and will continue to be so in many hearts!

Had my life been taken away from me at this day and time, I doubt that my life could have created as significant an impact as hers. Most importantly, I doubt if I have lived my live as fully as Ser did. There are still so many things I want to do, so many places I want to see, people I want to meet. I'm glad our paths crossed in this rather unique way, for I still had the opportunity to ponder on your beautiful persona inside out and think about my own life, about Allah and ketentuanNya. If anything, you've been such an inspiration, and I will slap myself and remember this day that I'm penning these thoughts if the thought of giving up ever crosses my mind.

It's been life-altering observing you from afar, and it would have been my pleasure had I the chance to meet you personally.

May you rest in peace, Sara Aziz. Al-Fatihah.

I'm to have discretely known you, even if it was just for a little while.

p/s: Feel free to click on the links. They take you straight to Sara Aziz's weblogs and related websites.