Fishcake & Curry, I am Nobody!

Not too long ago, I used to believe that maybe, just maybe, I got to where I am now because I did have an extra something; that X-factor nobody actually knows what they're referring to. I was inflated with the prospect that I could go far in life with the talents I thought I possessed. I felt that writing comes naturally, command in English was a breeze, and communicating with people - not a big deal. So, I thought I was set for life. If you look at me or read these words and feel that I am somewhat special, I must thank you profusely, but I beg to differ.

I am nobody, and I am going absolutely nowhere.

I am very conscious of the fact that I may not be the most intelligent student who was scouted for the Olympiads, nor was I the girl with an unbeatable rapport of being number one. I wasn't your passionate debater who could yap on and on, learnedly, regarding any subject matter. More still, I am most certainly not a girl who thrives at all things Mathematics, and God knows how I try, but never will.

I may not be all those, but I was confident that I was a bright girl. To me, being bright means being able to comprehend/pick up things easily, able to converse like I know shit, able to sense, feel and prioritize. It is one thing to be studious and smart, but it is another to be outgoing and quick. It is not with pure conceit that I say so, just out of desperation to believe that I am good at something.

Some of you may be familiar with my obsession for stalking while some of you don't. Let it be known here that stalking can lead you to a myriad of places; connecting you with brighter, smarter, more talented pool of people that you knew existed, but were never exposed to. This mere activity of clicking, reading, more scrolling and anticipating lends you insight to how inept, stagnant and ordinary you are. At least, that's what it did to me.

With the power of stalking bestowed upon me, I am led to the stark reality that I am nothing! I see peers who write creative stories, strangers who pen long, flawless posts in a command so natural and effortless, and I am left feeling envious. This is not even talking about the friends who write about global issues and current affairs. Reading those genuine, well-articulated ideas make me feel under-accomplished and completely throws me off the track from aspiring to become a writer/columnist one day. I hungrily feed on inspiring quotes and entertaining stories by Malaysian peers whose blogs get heavy traffic and in the end I just feel hopeless.

Yes, I dream to write one day, but seeing what I see now truly leaves me with self-doubt if I would ever make it. A very special person has gotten his words published in the newspaper at the age of 19 for gods sake, and I am not even contributing to the campus publication. Some of you will surely argue that my writing is pretty good, but how do I explain this thirst for being more than I am? How do I make you see that this totally demolishes any harbored thoughts that I had something special? Clearly there are millions of more talented individuals out there, and I am very much outnumbered and conquered.

It's on rough days like yesterday, that this again occupies my mind. I have been suppressing these insecurities for a while now, but I think my state now calls for some personal bashing. I see more clearly now, all the signals I should have seen. A friend keeps mentioning how intelligent and smart my other friend is, but has he ever said the same about me? No. I have never written anything worthy of mention by anyone or worthy of resonance to anyone; and that's good indication to myself that I am lacking.

Yes, I know I know, I have made it through school with good grades and all that shmatzy, and yes, Alhamdulillah, I am studying abroad here in the United States, but do you see? Do I really have something more to make it even further in life? Will I ever have something more to bring to the table?

Fishcake and curry, let me wallow in self-pity; because right now I feel like I'm nobody.