CHICAGO, May 18: The Joseph Regenstein Library bookstacks of The University of Chicago is seeing an increase in abnormal activities with the latest Clay Babies mystery. The Bookstacks Department headed by David Bortoff claims to have uncovered twelve clay babies planted amongst the library collection to date. Bortoff has reason to believe there are more Clay Babies "lying out there in the stacks, waiting to pounce and shock people with their crazy smiles and wide open baby stub of arms".
These white, identical baby figurines are believed to have been made out of paper machete (in which case its name would be a misnomer) or more likely, clay.
Search Services Assistant, Christopher Straughn found two clay babies while doing his rounds early yesterday morning. A frazzled Straughn expresses his concern for the potential hazard Clay Babies may bring since "some had been planted on top of the moving shelves on the B-level and fell on patrons. " However, Straughn does not speculate the culprit has malicious intents, perhaps just a "morbid and horrible sense of humor".
A Cage Management Assistant who refused to be named insists "it must be the work of some weirdo lady who has nothing better to do", claiming condemnation by the feminist factions of the student body who is "sick of people almost always immediately pointing fingers to the likes of cat ladies, creepy lady stuck in 80s clothing and them 'hos."
A student employee reports that "[she] thought students getting it on in the stacks is pretty awkward, but these fugly babies are just plain sick."
"Totally creeeeepy!", another lamented.
Fondly known as The Reg, this library bookstacks is already home to major nerdy conversations and self-introspection in the form of wall graffiti that defeats social conventions and norms. Inglorious remarks are made upon the self with reference to Dante's Inferno, au contraire to common youth speak such as "FML" or "fuck this shit and that shit." One dark corner on the second level clearly speaks for the University culture as cost curves, cost functions, production-cost frontiers and supply and demand graphs grace the walls.
During the school's winter quarter, the library hosts the controversial, annual Athletics Team "Naked Streak", opening all floors to an orgy of skin, giggles and to some, terror. Acts of coitus is also common in the bookstacks and this alludes to the perverse eroticism that must lie within the walls of this brutalist and otherwise boring architecture.
And now, perversity continues to reign as Clay Babies terrorize bookshelves, fall on patrons, disrupt peace and inculcate fear amongst library frequenters. Bookstacks personnel, clearly paralyzed by the emergence of Clay Babies are considering organizing a strike in the lobby if "this crazy sensation does not stop."
The library is home to 4.4 million print volumes, making it one of the largest repositories of books in the world. It is open to the general public every day and visitors may request a free day pass at the ID and Privileges Office.
