Ops Pancit Sifar dan Perut Kempis

Memorial Day Weekend is looming near, and the Malaysian diaspora in the United States have but one common thing in mind: Midwest Games 2009. To Urbana Champaign, Illinois, from May 22nd to 24th, we come.

We come from as near as Chicago and as far as Toronto, to convene, play sports, chit chat and participate in the all-time favorite: boy/girl watching. For newly single, not-quite-single and taken people alike, Midwest Games provides the platform for one to sharpen their observational and networking skills.

Of course, for the more hardcore sports enthusiast, sporting events are focal. They are never mere friendly matches or fun tournaments. Rather, MWG is a once-a-year opportunity to put forth one's awesomeness and dexterity in the court. It is time to mesmerize idolizing fans with your toned biceps and graceful moves while brushing that wet hair out of your eyes as you get ready to kick/throw/spike/catch the ball, whatever the game.

For the females, it is time to establish the truth: that you are not as cewi as people deem you to be. This is your chance to scream insults at your opponents, sweat, toil, stink but still emerge as heroines as you bring your university to the winning ranks. Of course, during the Malaysian Night you then redeem your status as a demure goddess as you strut into the halls, dressed to the nines in the baju kebaya you forced your sister to mail from home.

As for me, MWG heightens my despair over my prolonged sedentary condition. It is the time of the year when my brain and heart colludes with agreement that "Shit, I shouldn't have NOT exercised for a whole year". It is times like these I panic and formulate crash jogging and soccer training, and don't follow it. This month of May, may I say, is when I wished I kicked and played more with balls.

Playing with a team made up of young aunties and a handful of imported players from all over the country, it is an understatement to say that we don't get enough practice. It's just really kick and play for us, as we touchdown at the field from our separate lives, meeting for the very first time in no time.

Last year ChiTown Warriors (I cringe at this chosen title) went against all odds and emerged as champions, thanks to Kak Maria, mother to three year old Adam, who defines fantastico soccer mom. This superwoman is staying off the field this year as she has a junior coming, and we wish her all the best! But now, nak harapkan Nurjannah, silap lah.

A moral dilemma is at hand.

How do I go from this

to this?

I think it's time to launch Ops Pancit Sifar dan Perut Kempis. Nothing more, nothing less.

Do What You Wanna Do, Even If It's Fucked Up Haiku

Pimples di kulit kepala

Pimples di leher dan anggota

Pimples membabi buta, merata-rata.

Now rambut ada "body", maybe

tapi kelemumur datang lagi

diikuti debut split ends yang oh sangat terkeji.

Nak baca buku, mata tutup

Dua belas helai by Monday kena meletup

Econ exam hari Khamis buat saya nak masuk chicken coop.

Tak campur Kekasih Malam Ahad

atau falsafah Human Rights dengan masa terhad

dan latihan yang berhari-hari makin die-hard.

Lumrah hidup kadang-kala mati
Esok lusa awak pulak yang rasa nanti

Jemput beri salam dan semangat to me, sini mari!

From Petai To Bagel: I Go All But One Way

I'll let you in on a little secret. My transition to the foreign norms and different cultural setting in this land called Chicago, and more generally America, wasn't as plain-sailing as I preconceived it to be. Upon my first infusion into this Western life and living, I surprised myself with my immediate disfavor for some things very American.

Bagels would be a good subject for me to take off from. I wasn't a fan of bagels until this recent year. Yes, it took me one whole year to acclimatize myself to the culture of eating bagels--a substance I once deemed so hard on the jaw, and tasteless to the taste buds. I could not quite fathom my sister's attachment to bagels and agony over the exorbitantly priced bagels carried by select supermarkets in Malaysia.

To me, it was what is was: a tough piece of bread that was even tougher for the jaws. With time and trial and error over the right flavor, I presently find myself settling on Asiago Cheese bagel and Jalapeno Salsa spread at least once a week.

Time and again, I also find myself actually preferring the three-hole papers and three-ring folders prevalent here. My father can attest to my initial detest for this matter, when I--obviously distressed by my first encounter with this three-hole enigma--ranted to him about America's stance on being different from the rest of the world. I hated with fervor, this whole notion of America setting itself apart from the UK, Europe and the rest of the world, since I bothered about these trivial points of adapting.

I went wild with displeasure that I could not use folders, papers and punchers interchangeably between America and the rest of the world. Besides, my ultimate chagrin (at that time at least) was what was I to do with the puncher I proudly brought with me from sweet home Malaysia that actually keeps up with the rest of the world? Of course, this heart is malleable and I soon learned that the three-hole and ring system creates much less heartbreaks over torn ruled papers for OCD students like yours truly.

Nonetheless, no aspect of assimilating into the American life is harder than the conversion to English units. Why must I be subjected to pounds, bushels, doors, miles, and (god-forbid) the ever obscure Fahrenheit when the globe has advanced to the universal standard? Alas, six academic quarters and societal pressure have imposed upon me the need to speak their lingo, and I am sadly coerced to rest my case against this.

As the Malay adage goes, "Masuk kandang kambing mengembek, masuk kandang lembu menguak", I have slowly but surely assimilated into the American life. However, from petai to bagel, from tapai to Oreo parfait, from A4 paper to US letter paper, from "watter" to "wader", I would go all but one way.

What is this one thing, you ask? Let's just say I'd never enter a restroom without a filled bottle, or at the very least, wet paper towels upon paper towels to my discretion and satisfaction; even at the expense of being conceived as a lunatic Asian with serious issues.

What comes out the A-hole--in my most humble and honest humanitarian opinion--should NOT be cleaned with nothing but a dry, coarse paper towel. Someone should perhaps teach Westerners a thing or two; beginning perhaps, with the word melecet and the terse expression "geli, sial!", don't you think?

The Prophecy

Malays and Malaysians are fast exerting their presence on Facebook in the recent months, it seems. Empirical facts speak loud and clear--so loud, that one can't possibly be sane and miss the influx of merepek quizzes to this once exclusive social network. When you see "What kuih tradisional are you?", "Berapa jumlah hantaran yang perlu Si Polan beri kepada Joyah" and the classic "How Kelantanese are you?" flooding your newsfeed, you know we're spiraling downhill.

Western supremacist I am not--in fact I am quite the Malay advocate--but to disaknowledge that the more ludicrous quizzes are borne from mine own roots is to be ignorant. Hats off to us Malays because only we can come up with pandir applications as such.

Call me bitch/snob/snobitch, but I think Facebook lost its novelty the day it opened its virtual doors big and wide. Or rather the day the Asian (Malaysian?) world closed its doors to Friendster and shifted gears towards my esteemed Facebook. Of course it's not mine and mine own, but lend me your ears. Two years back--after receiving my university email address--I felt such a sense of accomplishment and was sent to a state of felicity upon finally acquiring myself a Facebook account. It was an unwritten rule once upon a time, that you only get on Facebook via a college network.

And that, my friends, was the very pulse that kept Facebook a non-nonsensical and non-crowded social platform. American employers found it a promising tool to check the credence and network of a candidate, and people actually only added friends they legitimately knew existed. I like to keep it that way still, for I realized my mistakes during the Friendster era, cum my formative teenage years.

Alas, the Malaysian diaspora goes far and wide, and the virtue of this leniency is the very fact that it brings me closer to buddies all over the globe. I cannot feign that I am not glad la familia are on board this nexus, or that I have met long-lost friends through Facebook, and I am not going to start now.

On the contrary, I am rather a hardcore Facebook advocate that my heart boils to see people denouncing the virtues of Facebook, because it certainly is an important fixture in my life. Facebook is the first thing I do upon waking up, and the last thing I do before I thread through dreams in the night, and I am not ashamed to say so. Okay, maybe a little.

So the issue at hand is this: my adulation for Facebook is marred by this quiz lunacy I see with the droves of people being sucked into the vortex that is Facebook. As of now, I have gone on a binge of restricting quiz feeds (do so by hovering your cursor over the quiz box, and hitting--with zeal, if I may add--"Hide quiz so and so") and see myself doing this for as long as the craze lives.

All the same, there is one more problem with addicts like me. There are some that just slips through the cracks and drugs me with curiosity. So, on some days I find myself facing prophecies as ridiculous as this:


Siapa dari Johor sila masuk line, sebab Facebook dah kasi greenlight. Haha.

Surat Maklum Balas to SL*

Hey you!

I tak tau nak cakap how disappointed I am when you said no to me semalam, tau. But I guess I could feel it in my bones that we weren't a good match. But I gave my all when we borak-borak the other day, and I truly did show you my true colors sebab you cakap you nak get to know me, kan? But lepas I left the room, my heart wasn't racing and my stomach wasn't doing somersaults like it usually does after I tau I aced something. It didn't get that "I hit jackpot" feeling. Not like the time I talked to Darby baby or Banky the hunk, tau. Memang the feeling was different.

Yelah, mana taknya, I rasa macam I bimbo mana duduk dalam bilik tu, surrounded by you and four other friends. "Acquaintances" you cakap, padahal semua judging me, taking notes of my every gesture. Banyak benda kalau boleh I nak cakap kat you haritu. Tapi biasalah, to err is human. Apa I cakap haritu half of what I really felt and wanted tell you. Pendek kata, shit happens all the time, kan?

Frankly, I tak bengang. I faham you had to choose the right person. And I definitely didn't do myself any justice masa kita bersua tempoh hari. Kita tak ada jodoh, what to do, kan? I taknak lah "hidung tak mancung, pipi tersorong-sorong". I shall practice losing with grace, ni.

Actually, nak cakap sikit, you listen, okay? Terharu pun ada you pandang I yang tak seberapa lawa, tak seberapa pandai or tak seberapa impressive ni. Dalam banyak-banyak calon you, you gave me the chance to get know you better, and I can't help but say memang my goal in life is to cari someone like you lah. For now, you're my short term goal, and also long-term, say 20 tahun lagi, memang I see myself alongside someone like you.

Right now, since you dah remukkan impian Sonata musim Panas I dengan you di bumi Amerika Utara ni, hati I nekad untuk cari a pengganti in the place I call home. Home is always where the heart is. And bila I ponder about this again, lagilah I rasa terpanggil nak cuba plan-plan menarik kita di Malaysia. I masih muda, banyak lagi keringat yang boleh I taburkan dekat tanah air I. Mungkin betul orang kata, everything happens for a reason, kan? Maybe banyak benda tunggu I? Maybe this is the best way for both of us?

I can't approach you again, bukan sebab malu, tapi sebab next year I ada plan lain up my sleeves lah. But I doakan that I find somebody like you cuti ni. Kalau tidak, I akan cari orang yang mediocre je, someone I like so-so tapi tak lust for (macam I lust for you), and usha lagi orang-orang macam you.

Always,
NJ

N.B.
SL: Summer Links 2009

The Forgotten -lah

Lah. It's an integral component of my life as a Malaysian. It is my identity as a Malaysian. I say it, I hear it, I overhear it, I write it. To make a long story short, my language and experiences are rich with lah, lah.

Okaylah. Shit lah. Tahilah. Fucklah. "Rajinlah you". "Cutelah you". Adoilah. Sweetlah. Cannot stand it lah. "Whatlah you!". "Why lah?". Alah. Besoklah. Tak mau lah. Busuklah. Bodohlah. Good lah. Baiklah. Takutlah. Love you lah. "Can lah?". Pak Lah. Masalah.

These are uttered effortlessly, every passing day. By the by, you know what I forget?

Alhamdulillah.

Sometimes I need reminders like this.

p/s: With a very sheepish face (imagine shyness to the power of 10), I formally welcome the Ahmats to this blog. Sister tells me she found this through an interested friend who googled her name, and showed her. Brother insists that the senior googled himself and asked "You dah baca blog adik?". Adoilah. Malu lah like this. Please read sparingly. Segan-segan datang sebulan sekali only, okay? Haha. Muahs!

Tips Rumahtangga Bahagia

Setelah membaca karya ini, saya amat terpanggil untuk berkongsi beberapa tips bagi menumpaskan musuh utama semua rumahtangga. Oh, bukannya orang ketiga seperti anak dara seksi di rumah seberang atau bujang lapuk yang suka separuh bogel membasuh kereta di hadapan isteri anda. Racun perosak, makhluk perosak dan yang seangkatan dengan mereka lah!

Bagi mereka yang perlukan pertolongan yang lebih grafik: ya, lipas, tikus, nyamuk, dan segala macam binatang kecil yang busuk, suka curi makanan atau merosakkan barangan di rumah kediaman tergolong dalam golongan yang membinasakan dan perlu dibinasakan. Jangan biarkan mereka berleluasa, itu yang pasti. Anda harus proaktif sebelum mereka mengawal rumahtangga anda.

Saya menyaksikan sendiri kerakusan Cik Ti menggigit talian telefon, baju-baju serta meninggalkan roti yang berlubang. Jangan sesekali anda cuba tunjuk pandai dan makan sisa Cik Ti, kerana anda boleh dijangkiti penyakit berjangkit dan betul-betul menjadi kurang celik.

Sepanjang (hampir) 20 tahun membesar dalam iklim khatulistiwa, saya telah menderma-paksa darah melebihi ukuran liter yang disyorkan oleh Tabung Derma Darah Malaysia (atau apa entah nama betulnya) yang mempunyai ibu pejabat di Jalan Tun Abdul Razak. Semuanya tanpa belas kasihan telah diambil oleh Cik Muk. Saya pasti anda semua yang juga membesar di tanah tropikal seperti Malaysia pernah merasa benci terhadap Cik Muk yang tidak jemu menganggu.

Dan Cik Li? Ya, Cik Li sering menyebabkan ramai yang hilang suara apabila kehadiran Cik Li menyebabkan anak tekak terpekik dan melolong. Saya kurang faham mengapa kehadiran Cik Li boleh menyebabkan tindakan sistem Sympathetic (degupan jantung laju, otot rangka bersedia untuk panjat kerusi) sebegitu sekali tapi saya bersetuju bau Cik Li memang kurang menyenangkan, kadang kala mengalahkan bau badan budak hanyir yang tidak mandi ketika perhimpunan sekolah. Okay, mungkin tidak. Perkara kedua terlampau menggerunkan.

Ah, marilah kita berbalik kepada tips-tips cemerlang yang saya janjikan. Bagaimana untuk mencapai kepuasan maksima menghapuskan kaum bangsat ini? Senang sahaja. Ikuti pembongkaran berikutan. Oh, sebelum itu, biarlah saya umumkan disini bahawa kesemua metodologi benar-benar berkaitan dengan orang yang masih lagi hidup, dan orang yang ada kaitan dengan saya. Jadi, sebarang rujukan sila lakukan kepada mereka yang berkenaan.

*****

Anda vs Cik Ti
Malam-malam sebelum tidur, sediakan perangkap tikus yang boleh dibeli dari kedai apek Apeng atau kedai runcit koman. Hendak-hendaknya yang flimsy (maaf, tidak tahu perkataan Melayu yang sesuai) dan nampak kurang memberangsangkan agar dapat menipu Cik Ti yang semakin hari semakin pandai kerana evolusi (saya tidak percaya kesemua tahi Darwin ini, nanti kita boleh bincang, tapi ayat ini bunyinya lebih sedap dengan perkataan saintifik seperti evolusi).

Jangan letakkan keju, itu hanya penipuan media barat yang mahu mempromosi produk tenusu mereka. Sebaliknya, letakkan sebarang makanan yang anda paling suka. Jika nasi lemak yang dibeli di hadapan sekolah berdekatan, itulah yang sebaik-baiknya. Ini kerana Cik Ti sangat pandai memilih makanan yang dia tahu digemari oleh penghuni rumah. Namun, saya paling mengesyorkan ikan masin. Seterusnya, tunggu.

Cik Ti sudah terperangkap! Apa langkah seterusnya? Ikutilah gelagat nenek kesayangan saya: Jerang air dalam cerek yang bersiul-siul. Apabila sudah masak, jangan segan untuk menuangkannya di atas Cik Ti! Perasaan melihat Cik Ti yang diburu lama itu menggelupur pasti boleh membawa kepuasan. Mungkin ia tindakan sadis, tetapi anda akan berterima kasih kepada penulis apabila hidung kembang merasa kepuasan yang tidak terhingga itu nanti.

Anda vs Cik Muk
Ambil apa-apa aerosol yang ada di rumah anda, tidak kiralah Shieldtox atau Ridsect. Jikalau anda pencinta alam sekitar, cubalah yang mengandungi kurang Chloroflorocarbon atau CFC, walaupun saya kurang pasti jika sebarang kemungkinan wujud. Lagipun, pensyarah Kimia Dalam Atmosfera saya mengatakan bahawa "ozon adalah masalah lapuk sekarang"(sumpah, saya tidak meletakkan kata-kata dalam mulutnya).

Apa-apa pun, jangan semburkan ke udara. Sebaliknya, semburlah pada badan anda sendiri. Abang saya sendiri pernah melakukan perkara ini, dan beliau mengesahkan sukses langkah ini. Walau bagaimanapun, pastikan anda tidak mengalami sebarang kelukaan atau masalah kulit seperti kusta. Selamat cuba, dan selamat mandi!

Anda vs Cik Li
"Aaaaaaaah", pekik rakan anda. Uh-oh, Cik Li alert! Tahan keinginan anda untuk roll your eyes dan sebaliknya bantulah golongan yang memerlukan dengan cara ini: Lari dengan pantas untuk kejar Cik Li. Simpulan bahasa "lipas kudung" itu tidak akan membawa erti jika Cik Li tidak pantas berlari. Jadi, larilah, apa tunggu lagi?

Perangkap Cik Li dengan tangan, atau jika anda golongan yang mudah geli, gunakan khidmat tisu atau plastik. Pegang dengan erat, tetapi jangan sehingga memicit Cik Li sehingga ia mati. Kita idamkan sukses yang lebih manis, bukan? Apabila anda bersedia, cabutlah 2 sesungut Cik Li. Cik Li akan kelihatan sedikit hilang orientasi. Pada peringkat ini, anda boleh meminta rakan untuk mengambil gambar dengan SLR yang tergantung pada leher anda, atau dengan camera kodi Point & Shoot seperti yang dimiliki penulis dan paparkan ekspresi seceria mungkin.

Tapi, itu belum pengakhirnya lagi, saya ada langkah ultimate yang boleh membereskan semuanya. Takungkan air dalam singki, dan kemudian campak Cik Li dengan gaya bersahaja. Anda boleh tampak Cik Li berusaha tekun untuk lari ke atas, dan gagal. Tunggu sehingga Cik Li terapung dengan terbalik, dan anda akan tahu dengan pasti bahawa misi anda berjaya!

*****

Sekian sahaja tips-tips yang tidak seberapa daripada saya. Eh, tidak mungkin lah saya kejam sebegini. Jangan tuduh sebarangan. Saya bakal mengambil minor dalam Pembelajaran Alam Sekitar, tau! Saranan ini hanyalah hiburan dan acahan semata-mata, walaupun keadah-kaedah ini tidak dirangka dengan spontan (bermakna mereka benar dan sahih). Ah, tapi kadangkala adalah bagus untuk melepaskan segala inhibisi, tidak begitu? (",)

Salutations to you, kekasih(s)

Kekasih malam Rabu #3, thank you for appreciating the love we made, albeit just a tenth higher.

Kekasih 10.30am today, you can go die, I hatechew.

Kekasih negara jiran, I can't wait to caress your body. Once you arrive in my mailbox, I'm yours baby. I'm soooo yours, you are soooo mine, and the world is sooo ours.

Bekas kekasih, saya tidak boleh lagi. Harap paham.

Kekasih yang bukan kekasih, busy sign itu just an excuse. Okay, okay, to be honest, I cringe at your "arr"-s and your "larrr"-s. Tidak boleh *shakes head*. Really.

Kekasih yang angkat diri masuk bakul, endearment terms by people I don't know well just don't quite make it to Nj's A-List. Please.

But really, kekasih malam, whylah? Why is it so hard for you to come into my dreams again ah? Cannot just snap my fingers leyh? I try so hard you know. Come lah, come lah. I kacau you in your dreams also good, but I want also lah. Don't jual mahal sangat, can or not?

Kekasih Malam Rabu

Awak suka cari saya malam-malam Rabu macam ni kan? Saya tahu saya kurang beri perhatian pada awak kalau hari-hari lain, dan awak pun memang pandai cari ruang kasi saya terdesak. Saya sembunyi sepanjang minggu, tapi malam Rabu awak datang hantui saya. Hai, sampai bila agaknya perhubungan kita nak kekal begini.

Awak tau saya tak boleh nak kata tidak. Otak kata pergi, tapi hati membentak dan kata mari. Saya memang tak boleh. Tak tahan dan tak sanggup. Hendak tak hendak, saya layan jugak. Sebab saya pun ketagihkan apa yang awak boleh berikan, sebenarnya.

Hm, atau patut saya luahkan sebenarnya, saya teruskan perhubungan intim kita ini sebab saya masih tidak paham sepenuhnya diri awak. Saya nak kenali awak luar dan dalam. Saya mahu kenal awak macam saya kenal belakang tangan saya. Saya nak rasa perasaan syahdu bila sampai puncak klimaks itu, itu yang pasti.

Tiap-tiap kali awak sentuh saya, saya rasa macam kena kejutan elektrik bercas 7 voltan. Perasaan haru-biru, resah dan lemah semua terpa saya sekaligus. Saya tak tahu kenapa, memang kalau pandang wajah awak macam begini selalu, saya jadi bingung.

Degupan jantung tak payah cakaplah, memang pantas; kalah jaguh pecut Malaysia dulu, Watson Nyambek. Nafas saya? Fuh, jadi berat dan tersekat-sekat. Memang aktiviti-aktiviti bersama kita ganas. Ganas sangat. Dahsyat sangat. Saya tak tahu macamana nak terangkan kat orang segala apa yang telah awak lakukan terhadap saya; kesemua yang telah kita eksplorasi bersama.

Saya mengeluh. Saya menjerit. Kadang-kadang saya mengerang penuh pujaan, kadang-kadang saya mengerang perlahan dalam kesakitan. Saya cuba tukar banyak-banyak posisi dan perspektif. Tekak saya jadi kering, meskipun dah berbekalkan air botol dan coklat kegemaran kita bersama, Flipz. Saya pandang awak dengan tekun dan kerjakan awak dengan penuh taat.Tapi awak masih tak puas lagi kan?

Awak panggil pulak semua rakan-rakan dan orang kita berdua tak dikenali. Mula-mula kami beri layanan peribadi lagi istimewa, awak pulak mahu kami kerjasama puaskan nafsu dan kehendak awak yang seribu itu. Orgy kita memang meriah, sehinggakan kadang-kadang hampir semua orang di tingkat A itu nak turut serta. Setiap beberapa minit muncul bunyi "owh" dan "aah" panjang menyelubungi tingkat terkeji itu. Masing-masing ingat masing-masing dah puas dan sukses; semuanya dah beres.

Tapi saya tau awak pura-pura sahaja puas, atau acah-acah sahaja supaya kami gembira sebentar. Lepas itu, awak tunjuk kelibat awak yang sebenarnya dekat orang lain, terus semua orang hampa semula sebab awak masih nak kami berikan awak henjutan yang terbaik.

Harus saya akui, kalau awak dampingi saya malam-malam Rabu macam ini, saya gemar dengar lagu-lagu yang rancak dan catchy. Rancak dan pantas supaya saya juga boleh rancak dan pantas sehingga kita datang bersama, sayang. Hm, tambahan kalau lagu-lagu yang saya memang cintai macam "All For You" dendangan Sister Hazel, "Catch My Disease" oleh Ben Lee, "Be OK" dari Ingrid Michaelson, lagilah kaki saya hentak-hentak ikut rentak dan jiwa rasa lebih teruja untuk menguasai awak macam awak menguasai tubuh saya ini.

Tapi kenapa sayang, kenapa awak perlu jual mahal? Kenapa perlu awak buat hidup ini lebih sukar daripada yang sepatutnya? Kenapa awak perlu ada banyak sangat anu, sehingga saya kepala pusing nak fikir yang mana perlu saya dampingi dan rangsangkan dahulu? Awak memang pandai perangkap saya habiskan masa sekurang-kurangnya dari pukul 6 petang sampai pukul 2pagi dengan awak, kan? Awak memang.

Saya korbankan masa untuk bersama awak, tapi awak tak pernah beri ganjaran yang lebih memberangsangkan. Atau beri saya jawapan yang lebih pasti, jawapan yang lebih suci. Tolonglah, malam tadi saya rasa bangga dan gembira sangat dapat layan awak sorang-sorang untuk salah satu syarat awak yang melampau. 35minit untuk sampai ke penghujung cubaan kita, tau. Selalunya saya biarkan awak guna teknik pengunduran macam saya belajar dalam Biologi Tingkatan Empat sebelum dapat saya selesaikan.

Tapi malam tadi, entah kenapa saya biarkan diri saya teruskan. Jadi, harap-haraplah awak hadiahkan lebih tinggi dari 9.4/10 untuk prestasi saya. Saya mahu jadi unggul dari segi ini, sebab ini sahajalah yang dapat bantu saya teruskan kehidupan pada akhir hari.

Kalau tidak... Hmph, baik habiskan masa dengan kekasih malam saya yang lebih menarik.

Buat masa ini, selamat tidur kekasih gelap malam Rabuku.


p/s: Set masalah ekonomi lah. Kinky lah you!

Regenstein Hari Ini

Jam 6.45 petang-- Keluhan panjang muncul setiap 10 minit di hujung bibirku. Entah mengapa sehari setengah sebelum hari peperiksaan baru ilham dan perasaan cemas itu datang. Sekarang, haa, aku terima padah kena menelaah balik kesemua set masalah bagi subjek Kalkulus Pelbagai Anu yang tampaknya sangat memeritkan. Hai, aku dah belajar Pengganda La Grange dalam Analisis Mikroekonomi Pertengahan tiga minggu sebelum belajar benda yang sama dalam kelas matematik ini. Macam tak guna je ambil kelas ini. Berpinar-pinar mata aku tengok integrasi tiga gandaan, gambarajah tiga dimensi, Yaakobian dan produk silang vektor. Penat-penat. Tapi aku puji diri sendiri dah buat nota yang sangat kemas dan komprehensif untuk 2 ujian sebelum ini. Sekarang tinggal baca dan praktis je. Yelah, sebab aku ni kan obsesif kompulsif sedikit, harus buat balik semua latihan baru rasa lega.

Hm, tapi biasalah, setiap 10 minit yang aku berkeluh tadi, setiap kali itulah mataku meliar ke sana ke mari. Awal tadi ada mat salleh yang sangat lah hencem duduk makan sandwic Subway depan aku. Sekurang-kurangnya dapat jugalah bangunkan diri dan cuci mata (walaupun terasa sangat-sangat terganggu dengan rambutnya yang perang gelap dan keningnya yang sangat sempurna). Orangnya nampak lemah lembut dan sopan, makan Subway takde bunyi krap krup krap. Aku pun tak makan Subway (yang memang konfem bersepah) sebegitu kemas! Wah, lagilah mata ini nak usha! Hai, malangnya hiburan hati itu hanya buat sementara. Dia pergi sambung tulis esseinya di komputer bertentangan meja kami, dan memang dah sehari suntuk aku tengok dia menghadap komputer itu. Ini mesti kes sama dengan hampir 90% penghuni di Regenstein di ambang peperiksaan ini: tiada keimanan dan semangat diri.

Memang perpustakaan Regenstein kalau tengah-tengah minggu peperiksaan ini, ramai aja penghuninya yang muka separuh mati. Aku salah sorang. Dengan beg, "kot bawah" dan selendang dicampak atas kerusi sebelah, kertas-kertas conteng bertaburan atas meja, bekas makanan ringan terbuka dua tiga (khususnya Flipz, pretzel bersalut coklat yang sangat uupmmh sedapnya), telefon mobil di tangan dan Ipod di telinga; aku epitomi pelajar UChicago yang skema. Padahal sebenarnya hanya suka buat kerja minit terakhir. Ala, di manakah syoknya kalau buat kerja terlampau awal kan? Lagipun, aku memang lagi menonjol kalau buat kerja saat terakhir, kerana perasaan perlu-buat, perlu-habiskan, dan aaah-penat-dan-tak-tahan-mahu-habiskan menguasai diri.

Hish, tapi, kalau-kalau dah tak boleh beri konsentrasi yang sepenuhnya, apa boleh buat? Takkan nak asyik-asyik semak peti mel-elektronik dan dengan perasannya baca blog sendiri berulang kali? Aku pasti orang lain yang tengok aku sekejap-sekejap pergi dekat komputer belakang tu tahan gelak aje. Haha, kalau aku jadi diorang pun aku gelak, gelak dalam hati sebab memang semua orang sama aja, suka bazir masa! Buntu, aku ambil jalan mudah. Rehatkan minda sambil buat kegemaran masa lapangku: usha keadaan sekeliling!

Aku lihat gadis gempal di sebelah aku tadi yang datang dengan seorang wanita berambut kerinting. Tadi muka dia macam stres sangat, pegang 4-5 buku yang tebal. Aku agak mesti kena tulis esei yang berpuluh-puluh muka surat. Huuuu, itu semua dah aku tempuhi tahun lepas, sekarang ni selamatlah. Hoh, aku pun ambik inisiatif jalan-jalan dengan tujuan mahu tengok telatah orang. Aaah, gadis-gadis yang ranggi pakaian mereka, lengkap dengan but UGGS, sibuk menyemak laman Mukabuku dengan macbook masing-masing.

Opocot, tak sedar pulak aku ada pasangan di bahagian depan, berhampiran dengan ensikoplodia ruang bacaan, sibuk bercumbu-cumbuan! Insiden yang jarang-jarang berlaku! Aku tak bohong! Sudah banyak kali aku bilang pada rakan-rakan bahawa universitiku memang tiada orang yang lakukan Tayangan Intimasi Umum. Ternyata aku salah. Oh, dan haruskah aku selitkan bahawa jejaka itu India, dan gadis itu mat salleh? Ini bukan kali pertama aku nampak kombinasi sebegini. Nampaknya orang India Amerika bahan hangat dan dicari-cari. Kata rakan aku sebab orang India Amerika sangat konfiden, ala-ala jantan sejati. Heh, pada fikiran nakalku, mungkin bulu-bulu dada mereka yang gadis-gadis ini cari, tidak lain tidak bukan!

Oh, sekembalinya aku ke meja, nampaknya gadis gempal sudah ada teman! Ghairah je muka dia baca nota sambil berpegangan tangan dengan temannya yang boleh tahan rupa. *Keluh* Memang jadi budaya kolej di mana-mana, berkepit dengan pasangan masing-masing. Pada akhir hari, rakan taulan ditinggalkan. Haha, nasib temanku (entah masih atau tidak) tidak belajar di sini juga, jadi aku tidak tergolong dalam "kawan lupa kawan kerna cinta".

Tak sampai setengah jam kemudian, bekas teman serumah (yakni sistem rumah, bukan apartmen) yang jalan mendada dan sangat menjelikkan lalu dan beriku senyuman sinis. Nama dia Jordan, macam kasut Air Jordan. Seharusnya memang kasut itu disumbat dalam mulutnya atau dituju ke mukanya yang bagai meminta-minta untuk disepak. Aku teringat kembali peristiwa dalam kelas Kemanusiaan aku tahun lepas dia buat dono je dekat aku dalam perbincangan tiga-sekumpulan. Die pandang rendah aku tak reti beri pendapat dan bercakap dalam publik! Hah, kesilapan besar! Aku boleh buka mulut besar ini, dan karya penulisan aku pun sehandal kau, tau! Tiap-tiap esei aku dapat A tau untuk kelas tu!

Dia datang dan pergi; aku sambung buat Matematik dan terganggu lagi. Aku toleh ke kanan, ke arah meja gadis gempal dan teman lelakinya yang bermesra itu, dan gadis itu rupa-rupanya sedang bersiap untuk pergi. Sejurus kemudian, aku pandang lagi sekali. Lelaki itu sibuk mengorek hidungnya dengan penuh syahdu! Hehe, geli-geleman. Tapi aku paham benar, kerana aku juga suka kopek kulit kering di telinga aku sambil belajar. Itu tidak kira dengan tabiat aku mengetap gigi dan main dengan rambut. Kalau dulu zaman-zaman aku ada kelemumur, aku suka kopek kelumumur (yang berkeping-keping astaga besar) dan jatuhkan atas meja sebab aku nak tengok berapa banyak yang aku dapat. Tapi aku tidaklah korek hidung di publik, rasanya itu terlampau peribadi. Tralalala.

Jam 12.15 tengah malam-- Sedar tak sedar, dah masa untuk aku pulang ke bilik. Alamatnya hanya berpoya-poya melayari blog orang, semak Mukabuku dan tidak sambung belajar jika aku balik. Tapi rasanya aku dah buat apa yang patut untuk hari ini. Besok takkan pergi (kecuali aku pergi dulu). Pakailah aku semula selendang, "kot bawah" dan kemaslah aku segala sampah sarap yang telah aku kumpul sejak pagi tadi bertandang ke Regeinstein. Ramai juga yang bergegas untuk mengejar bas jam 12.20. Sambil menunggu lif (kerana kami golongan malas tidak mahu turun tiga tingkat tangga), kami saling berpandangan, seolah-olah membisikkan "Aku tak buat banyak harini, aku tau kau jugak tidak. Nampaknya besok hari yang panjang lagi. Kau dan aku berdua. *Keluh*".

Ya, besok aku bakal tempuhi hari yang sama di Regenstein.

rahsia selepas (r/s): Minta maaf bunyi sedikit kasar gunakan "Aku". Rasanya "saya" tidak aka mendatangkan kesan yang saya mahukan. "Aku" bunyi lebih bersahaja untuk kisah-kisah mencuit hati sebegini, tidak begitu?=P Sebelum terlupa, di sini saya ingin mengucapkan salam Hari Raya Aidiladha buat semua. Pelajar-pelajar di perantauan pasti paham rasa tidak raya seperti yang saya rasakan ini. Terutamanya kerana ada peperiksaan menanti. *Keluh dan keluh lagi*.

The KYS Lingo

After much difficulty and the foundering attempt to finish my Econ problem set on Intertemporal Choice, I've decided to practice just that--Intertemporal Choice. Choosing to consume now versus later. Today or tomorrow. This minute or the next. And as of now, you can tell that I've evidently chosen to consume my time for leisure right now as opposed to tomorrow. Egad, economics say I would have less time for leisure the day after (not to mention the interest rate I face, say repercussions in this case) but who is this science to dictate how I shall live my life?!

Suka hati tuan punya badan kecik ini lah to MAKE time for leisure or not. I'm already anticipating the panic state I'll be in come Friday after the Thanksgiving four-day break, so why bother? I believe in the credo "bersusah-susah dahulu bersenang senang kemudian", but "berhen-joy hen-joy dahulu berpanic-panic kemudian" (to quote my cousin, Farah) seems more fun, spontaneous, and more living-life-to-the-fullest. My dad, Encik Ahmat Ab. Wahab would probably exclaim "What for?" (with the slightly raised tone at the "for"). I think the answer to all those times should really be "Why not?". Alas, with all due respect, this time should not be an exception. Why not?=)

Okay, well, that was digression. I really wanted to go down memory lane and talk about the KYS-tongue I horribly miss. I get the chills just reminiscing the way those words caress my tongue; the way they massage my feelings; and the way the phrases tackle the meaning and appropriateness of the context just the way I want them to. There's just so many indescribable feelings/things within the conventional diction, and I'm telling you, this KYS jargon did wonders addressing just that! I can't believe nobody can understand me when I slip into that old, familiar lingo now. Heck, I can't believe I'm slowly undermining the importance of those words little by little, too. Smack myself there! *Slap* So, this shall be a reminder to myself (and a documentation of some sort), of the words we KYSERs used, circa 2000.

1) Muck-off= Dating
This is by far, the most indigenous word to KYSMians, and of course, the most rampantly used=) Origin is unknown, but I can offer that it was perhaps coined due to the nature of the "wrongness" of the "activity"; especially in a co-ed boarding school run by vigilant pak guards, feisty Ibu (warden), "walls have ears"-Cikgu RZ (who is one of my favorite teachers, btw=P), "magically popping" Mr. Rama, Cikgu KZ and Cikgu Shahar.

We, KYSERs in the early 2000s, solemnly believe in mucking-off everywhere from theatrettes, specialist rooms (bilik geog, sejarah, accounts, music room) to the "Tangga Kecemerlangan" and the dozen other tangga-s. And boy oh boy, to be seen mucking-off at the locker area right after Maghrib prayers (tsk tsk tsk) was something one could be proud about, especially if one was with a handsome "abang" or with a hot "adik". Yes, I mean it literally and figuratively--mucking-off can happen between couples, and also pet brother-pet sister relationships. We do it in groups; we do it dispersed but still close (reaffirming "You scratch my back, I scratch yours"), we do it solo. And it doesn't matter what time of the day it is--night or day, going to sports or coming back from sports, after sahur, after exams, before preparation classes, weekends--we had it bad like a case of scabies!

To denounce mucking-off as unhealthy is a one-sided argument. I think part of adolescence should be used to explore this puppy-love phase so as to better prepare one for the bigger heartbreaks in life; not to mention to equip one with the right ways to treat one's significant half. But to harp on that should be saved for another entry on another day.

e.g. "Diorang tu, tak habis-habis muck-off"

"Eeee, jealousnye I ngan you Copieee, bile lah I nak muck-off ni?", exclaimed yours truly when that spirit of "Jom muck-off sama-sama" pervades the mind.

Really, when and where can I now say "Dah lama gila I tak muck-off" and receive understanding oohs and excited suggestions? Those were the days. Sigh.

2) Snaptwist. Jinx. Shut up--said one by one as two people or more exclaim the exact same word at the exact same time.

e.g.

"Sangat!", said A and B, together.
"Snaptwist" said A and B, simultaneously.
"Jinx" said A and B, simultaneously, yet again.
"Shut up" said B, finally ending the awkward conversation.

Does this happen so frequently that there was a need to come up with such linguistic system to address the phenomenon? Yes, absolutely. Scientific studies have shown that females who live together will tend to share the same menstruation cycle (aww, c'mon now, don't cringe or snicker, let's be adults here=P). So why not saying the same exact thing at the same time, and often? Just proves that "Great minds think alike", especially minds who share the same room, sleep on the same pillow, and share the same hairbrush. Ooh, this is one of the things I keep slipping onto with my non-KYS friends only to receive weird looks or even worse, no acknowledgment at all!

3) Abuden--depends on the context
It's not truly a KYS invention and imagine the shock I got when I heard Singaporeans here in the UofC using it. But it's used back then *smiles* and I'll just talk about it all the same. I would say it is used in multiple contexts, one of which is rather quizzically, e.g. "Abuden?". It carries the succinct meaning of "So what do you propose?" or something along those lines, especially when you are striking off different options.

Can be used to express frustration and exasperation too, especially when someone disagrees. Alas, it would be the shorter way of exclaiming "So you think you're so bright, tell us how else to do it lah!" and can be thought of as "Abuden?!!".

Overall, abuden can be used in the middle of sentences to exclaim "then" or "after that".

4) Smarted= sangat smart, great, uber cool, fantastic
This word definitely carries a positive connotation. It's usually paired with "siot", i.e. "Smarted siot", with the emphasis on "siot" to exclaim one's enthusiasm, awe, or interest about something. Ehem, call me perasan, but I really think I was the proprietor of this term in KYS=P It is interesting to note that apparently the kids in Hartamas use smarted to denote "has been", and in a way you could say we KYS kids misused it since -ed does mean past tense (thanks for the additional info, Kimbu).

5) Apekah?-- read below
Uttered alone, it's generally used to express sentiments of dislike. Think "Euw", "You can't be serious?" or "I just can't believe this!". Extremely handy when discussing about the screwed policies the KYS management implements or when bitching about the unbelievable actions of a disagreeable person. And should I mention that this word is accompanied by a trademark in-and-out head roll?

6) Sodom-- Solat dalam dorm
I know what you're grinning about. Owh pooh, I wouldn't be writing about sodomy cases back in school (if there were any) on the web, now, would I?=P I can't even begin to tell you how this word was so integral in our daily lives. Throughout my last two years in KYS (yes, maybe because that taiko feeling of being a senior kicks full drive), I must say I performed sodom 90% of the time. Crucial times when sodom is badly required would be for Asar (because it is right before sports hour) and Subuh (because we woke up just 5 minutes before sunrise and there was no way we'd get our lazy asses to the girl's Musollah). But mainly, just because=P

7) Gebang= "Barks louder than one bites", cakap besar, berlagak
Pronounce it correctly: it's Geybang. Bitching about people never sounded any better than saying "Geybang sial si polan tu". It was a crucial word; a word that channeled one's anger and annoyance towards someone who's owh so standoff-ish. I think you get my point.

8) Sangat!= Absolutely, I can't agree with you more, You got that right
Take off the exclamation mark and it'll be the usual, monotone sangat, which means "very". So yeah, what makes this a KYS jargon is the exclamation mark; you say it just like that "Sangat!". As obvious as it may seem, this term is used when one wants to vehemently agree with a statement. It's more a girl thing than a guy thing, I assure you (before you go thinking that the KYSER guys seem a bit queer).

9) JB= Jilat bontot, direct trans. lick ass, trying to win some favors
You shouldn't be too happy if people say you "JB". It's one of the deadly sins one can ever commit in KYS because we just hate people who JB, and we'd bitch about that person so persistently that life would be hell for that poor fellow. . . Relax, just joking. But generally, we do tease friends for being so kiasu trying to JB teachers, seniors, etc. We don't like it. If you wanna get good grades, work for it, don't JB your way through, no siree!

10) RC= resource center
Similar to the global tendency to "brandize" things, like calling all instant noodles Maggi, all toothpaste Colgate and all plastic containers Tupperware, I used to refer to the library as RC. It took me a long time to get rid of calling the INTEC library RC, and now I tend to slip up once or twice. But booy'all, my RC was better than yours! Hah=P

11) CL= computer lab
Read 10, apply to 11.

12) Mundom= inactive
I have a sneaky suspicion that this word was cleverly derived from "dormant". Kudos to the first person who coined this term, because it shows that careful thought was actually given when coming up with new slang terms! Back then, we referred to boy A as mundom if he was the lazy type who skipped Sports hour or the boy who did not play any sports. Am I being sexist here? Well, I've never actually heard of an instance when a girl was called mundom, but I could be wrong.

13) Pub= Publisiti murahan, cheap publicity, attention-seeking/seeker
Equivalent to Capub in the other boarding schools, pub means just that, "Cari publisiti murahan". If a person is always (and I mean always) seen on stage, getting his/her act on dramas, debates, Union Night (bi-weekly events held in the KYSM Great Hall on Friday evenings) shows, he/she may be dubbed as pub. Depending on the context, pub is not necessarily meant to be a condemnation. We jovial lot actually enjoyed putting up friends' pictures on the board, and teasing him/her as being "pub". Yes, we lived in a tiny community in a small school, we just gotta live with pub, JB, geybang and the likes! Albeit some may allege these kinds of nicknames as derogatory or malicious, I felt that it added to the flavor of being in a boarding school. Heck, I lost count how many times I've been said to be very pub!

Noone else but your

Ronald McDonald is Me

Abstrak
Edisi blog Nurjannah Iman Syaqirene Ahmat kali ini akan dikarang sepenuhnya dalam bahasa Melayu. Ini adalah laporan ringkas tetapi penting tentang sesuatu penemuan diri yang agak mengejutkan. Beberapa gambar telah disertakan sebagai pemerhatian dan diharap dapat membantu anda dalam turut melihat penemuan istimewa ini.

Hipotesis: Kasut-kasut Nurjannah sering haus di hujung tumit kerana cara Nurjannah berjalan.

Inferens: Nurjannah mempunyai cara berjalan yang pelik.

Pembolehubah
a) dimalarkan: Si pemakai kasut (Nurjannah)
b) dimanipulasi: Warna kasut, stail tumit kasut, jenis kasut (tutup atau terbuka, kasut sukan atau kewanitaan, kasual atau rasmi)
c) bergerak balas: Kehausan pada hujung tumit kasut

Kaedah:
1) Koleksi-moleksi kasut Nurjannah dibelek dan sepasang kasut dipilih.
2) Keadaan awal kasut dicatat (khususnya keadaan di tapak kasut).
3) Kasut dipakai oleh Nurjannah ke kelas, ke bandar Chicago, ke mana-mana dan segalanya.
4) Pemerhatian akhir dijalankan. Gambar turut diambil.
5) Langkah 1 hingga 4 diulang dengan kasut-kasut lain.

Pemerhatian:

Kasut 1

Kasut 2

Kasut 3


Kasut 4

Kasut 5

Kasut 6

Kasut 7

Kasut 8
Jika diperhatikan dengan teliti (minta maaf tentang penataan cahaya yang kurang baik dalam sesetengah gambar), semua kasut di atas mengalami kehausan di hujung tapak kasut, yakni di tumit. Ini konsisten tidak kira jenis apa kasut yang dipakai. Turut diperhatikan adalah bunyi seretan kaki apabila Nurjannah berjalan.

Kesimpulan: Nurjannah Iman Syaqirene Ahmat sesungguhnya mempunyai cara berjalan yang pelik. Ini mungkin akibat malas angkat kaki dan suka seret kaki di lantai. Dia boleh diumpamakan seperti Ronald McDonald yang gemar berjalan tumit dahulu.