Crunch Time, Mak-time

A cup of harmless (or so I thought) Cappucino kept my mind on a non-stop, 3 hour replay of variables, constants, alphabets, assumptions and models last night (or morning to be exact). Hilariously enough, these were things that escaped me this morning, when I needed them most.

One by one those dreadful letters and numbers just up and left, abandoning me in my combat against all things evil in fiscal and monetary policy. I try to tell myself, "I am not alone, I am not alone, I am not alone". I am not alone, am I?

As of the moment, that is what I am, alone. Alone in threading 6 pages worth of words and the harvest of thoughts I have gathered over the course of 11 weeks. It's okay, words are easier than letters that when combined, don't make sense. At the end of the day, words penned down well earn me a warm heart.

Statistics will then conquer my time, the minute I raise my fingers that have done away with its typing. As the clock strikes 8.30pm tomorrow, another journey will be revisited. Some numbers to run, a few papers to examine, and a hell lot of typing to be done.

Then? The struggle ends there. Full stop. Just as sudden as it came. I pray I have enough strength, courage and faith to go on. Amin.

"Scandalous Lives of UChicago's Elite"

I have not slept in my own bed for the past 4 nights. Scandalous much, right?

It is in fact, a scandal in it's finest form, I tell you. I have been spending my cold nights huddled up in someone else's space, on someone else's bed. Wait, you're not going to tell anyone, are you? Please don't. I have to live up to my heavily Muslim name (Nurjannah Iman Syaqirene) you know.

What's that you said? I didn't quite hear you. Oh, you don't know what my name means? I don't know if I should tell you. Well, well, it's for me to know and for you to find out. Let's leave it at the fact that I probably don't live up to my good name as much as I want to.

Yeah, man, especially now that I'm sleeping with someone else.

Oh yeah, you heard me right. I'm simply enjoying my intimate nights with a certain someone. Someone by the name of Joe.

There is no more incredible feeling in the world than losing yourself in the arms of a strong man while he indulges your every sense. To see, to feel, touch, to taste, to smell. Uh-huh, we do all that, Joe and I.

Halt! Don't jump the gun just yet. I don't smell smell (or sniff, make of it how you want) him, his feet or that certain part of the human anatomy I'm sure you are thinking about. Nor do I touch whatever you think I do. You have despicable thoughts, sheesh.

What exactly am I intimating, then? Well, you know, the innocent stuff. To see is to look into the other's eye. To touch is to feel the warmth of the other sitting right beside you. To taste is . . . to literally, bite into your guilty pleasures of chocolates and sins. (Gotcha there, didn't I). And to smell is to smell another's presence beside you, just from the way his clean, crisp clothes smell, or the noticeble scent of his perfume.

But what I love most about Joe is that he understands my intellectual pursuits and the sacrifices I make for them. He doesn't mind that we are surrounded by obnoxious, loud people. All he wants to do is just blanket me with his warmth and whisper encouraging and sweet, sweet thoughts into my ears. It tickles me, feeling his hot breath against my sensitive ears. But it's a feeling like. No. Other. (to emphasize just how that feeling felt like no other).

For the most part, Joe accommodates my search for ideas and entertains my nightly thoughts about making a difference in the world. I talk, I type, while Joe sings and Joe writes. What does he write? He writes the most meaningful missives, left on tables after tables so that I can read his words and remember his presence wherever I go. He is romantic that way, you know.

Ah, what a fresh new world you show me, Joe.

Because of that, Joe, I'm devoting 5 more nights with you. 5 more nights with you, and I will soar high above the horizons as you take me to places I have never been, Joe. 5 more nights of just you and me. Yes, you and me, Joe. How can life get any better than this?

For all this, I heart you Joseph Regenstein.

Picture courtesy of forums.nutsie.com

His name, in full, is Joseph Regenstein Library, folks. Of course we play SAFE, need you even ask?

Disclaimer: Euphemism. Self-explanatory. The chirpy tone, and sensational foreplay? Nothing but a twisted version of the sad, (and really twisted) things I actually do and will continue to do at Joseph Regenstein Library. It's true I haven't been sleeping in my beloved bed the past 4 nights, though. I sleep IN Joseph Regenstein Library, indeed!

What's Floating NJ's Boat?

Punca-punca keterapungan bot/sampan/perahu Nurjannah:
Masalah subletter? Setel!

Date: Thu, 03 Dec 2009 11:23:14 -0600
From: Rachel Belanger  
Subject: Re: 54th & Cornell, Jan-March 2010, $500
To: NJ

Hey NJ,

Is your room still available to sublet? I've explored a couple other options, and yours is my best one. It would be great to meet your roommate before totally committing, but I'm sure I'd be able to live with her. Let me know what's next...

Thanks!

Rachel

Gadis yang akan mengambil alih bilik saya benar-benar wujud, in the flesh bak kata orang putih; dan saya sudah pun bertemu dengannya dua hari yang lepas. It's a small world after all, kerana kami rupa-rupanya pernah mengambil kursus Environmental Studies bersama-sama.

Kami juga telah mengumpat tentang pensyarah kursus itu yang bosan lagi memualkan, Sir Peter Crane, (ya, he was knighted for his contributions to the Kew Botanical Gardens. Agak cool, tapi faktor ini will be discounted bila anda masuk kelasnya dan lihat kaca mata, pakaian serta intonasi suaranya yang boring).

Beliau adalah epitomi kepada segala stereotype yang wujud dalam kepala otak saya tentang kebosanan orang Inggeris (as opposed to Anglo Americans). Jangan tanya saya kenapa, but I'm averse to a lot of things British. Mintak simpang malaikat 44 jika saya perlu menonton wayang-wayang British. Sangat tak kuasa. Dahla gigi kuning and tak handsome (with the exception of Ed Westwick). And I digress.

Tidak akan menghadapi set masalah ekonomi dan statistik. Selama-lamanya!
Okay, I lied. Bukan selama-lamanya, only in my dreams. Well, sekurang-kurangnya buat 4 bulan yang akan datang. Juga ingin dimaklumkan di sini saya kini tidak sebodoh IT yang disangkakan kerana semalam, saya telah berjaya mengguna R, statistical software yang digunakan untuk kelas Statistik. Pada firasat saya, R adalah sejuta kali lebih user friendly berbanding Matlab. Pencipta R wajar menerima Nobel Prize. Terima kasih kerana membuat orang yang paling bodoh IT rasa pandai sebentar. By the by, kalau awak dah pernah nampak saya kecoh tentang ini, diam-diam sahaja. I've said it once, and I'm going to say it again, Statistics suck balls!

Berjaya mengecek Papanya untuk mendahului tambang perjalanan Cape Town ke Chicago.
Kejayaan ini telah dikecapi beberapa minggu yang lalu, melalui panggilan telefon yang sangat panjang, namun the euphoria baru kick in. Kenapa lampi sangat? Sebab saya baru sahaja short of $4000 setelah membayar yuran program ke Cape Town, dan apa-apa handout yang boleh disumbangkan adalah sangat bermakna kini. Of course, operasi untuk menukar cash advance ini kepada convertible loan/stipend akan dijalankan. Proses mengecek fasa 2 akan dilancarkan, jangan risau.

First fall of snowflakes on my shoulders
Maklumlah, awal-awal musim salju memang sexciting. Tunggulah 3, 4 minggu nanti when the novelty wears off, akan saya complain pasal sejuk nak mampus, inches of snow yang oh-so-annoying.

Now that you are privy to my source of transient happiness, you should know that hell awaits me. Sila wish me good luck dan beri sokongan padu dan jitu kerana saya akan cuba jadi Superwoman untuk buat (dan fail) segala-galanya. Nothing short than suicide, Kamikaze style!

"Houston, We Have a Problem"

. . . An effing problem with procrastination, that is.

On a less self-denigrating note, here's one of those songs that you just gotta fall in love with once introduced to. On days that just isn't fall but not quite winter, short of hours before doomsday strikes, this is a always a good song for the lonely. Heck, it's a good song for the lonely. Period.

Kadang Kala, Tahi Berlaku

This coming January, I'll be ditching the harsh Midwestern winter for the sun and all its glory in Cape Town, South Africa. Good for me, right? Yeah, awesome possum. But the possum isn't so awesome when what ensues the prospect of participating in study abroad programs is the arduous task of subleasing my apartment.

Mind you, it is not as easy as publishing friendly ads online and slapping eye-catching posters around campus while you goyang-goyang kaki and wait for those e-mails to flood your inbox. Especially not in the aftermath of the credit crisis and a shaky real estate market in Hyde Park, Chicago, coupled with the fact that less students transfer to the UofC during the winter quarter (who in their right minds would trade their comfort zone for deep snow that loses its novelty after a week and the awful wind chills that chap your lips and crack your skin, right?).

And especially not when you are a susceptible victim of deceit of one of those *tooting* Nigerian scams. Especially not that *blood pressure rising, temple throbbing*.

Did I just lose you at "Nigerian scam"? Are you nodding your head now? Never heard of a "Nigerian scam"? Well today is your lucky day, because with the powers personal experience has vested upon me, I will brief you about those *tooting* schemes.

In my college, this Nigerian scam phenomena is so prevalent that you're a social leper if you don't receive their emails. Congratulations to myself, because in a field I would rather not, I am not a loser. I used to receive an average of 3 fraud emails a week. The emails begin and end with extremely polite salutations involving the use of God's name in vain, perhaps to latch you on with their *cough*fake*cough good manners.

The conman then establishes himself/herself as the legal attorney of si polan who has just passed on and would like to honor si polan's wishes by granting you an X sum of money as testified in si polan's will.

It's entertaining and indeed laughable to think I am suddenly related to a good 20 plus people in Africa (presumably Nigeria) or that I can become a millionaire overnight without lifting an eyebrow. (Mungkinlah I have a penchant for sexy African/African American men, but I'm pretty sure the last time I checked I am born and bred a Malaysian Malay (ha ha)). It's even more entertaining to think that these people think people can be had.

Realizing that half the world are chuckling at their petty stratagems, these lowly creatures are now penetrating the online sales market. They scour sites like craigslist, ebay and college marketplaces and pretend to be interesting in buying and selling.

They pretend to be innocent, non-smoking female college students studying in UK who are transferring to The University of Chicago and are looking for a place to sublet. They also pretend to be the naive young girl who needs daddy to write the eager tenant a check and who waits for daddy to present her with ultimate directives.

Oh, don't worry, the only money I've lost over the weekend was to a Juicy Couture purse (handbag for the non-initiated) and 3 pairs of new shoes I don't need (damn those Black Friday sales). Receiving a check for $4500 signed by a different payer (not Laura Baily or Martin Scott) from a bank in California when I asked for $600, while the FedEx was delivered from Maryland when daddy is in Essex just points to something fishy that I can smell 10 000 miles away.

What I've lost was the time and effort spent over a long, week-to-week correspondence with an imaginary Laura Baily and her daddy, Martins Scott. What I've lost, is apparently my common sense; because how on earth did I not realize that daddy should have been a something Baily? What I've lost is my fuse because right now I want to kentut in the faces of the a-holes behind these nasty ruses.

Learn your lesson from my lesson learned: Bad english (beyond the common "that's mean" or "oversea") is a telltale sign of a scam. Especially when the foul language is coming from someone who's presumably "English" and residing in Essex, UK.

 

Date: Wed, 25 Nov 2009 20:07:25 -0600
From: Martin Scott
Subject: RE: Payment received!
To: 

Hello Nurjannah,

    I thank you for your email and am happy that you finally got the payment.The payment was sent to you from my client and he made mistake of forwarding the whole amount($4500) to you. He should have sent to you a month's rent and security deposit and have the remaining sent back to my Travel agent so as to book for laura's flight and some other traveling expenses that will be incurred.
  
      Thanks for the mail and your honest transparency, the funds you got was to secure the unit for my Daughter and i hope you are aware she will be taking unit for a period of 12 months or more ?
 I will need part of the funds to get her flight booked as am on a business trip now to secure my goods in transit and will not be able to make her flight bookings please deduct the first month's rent and the security deposit from the payment you received and send the balance via money gram money transfer to my travel agent so She will be able to get her a flight booked. She manages all our travel and tours through out the states,She needs the money to get Laura's flight booked and pay for other travel expenses that will be incurred.


Pls send money via money gram money transfer  to:

Name: Dorothy Beasley
Address:1260 Spring St NW
City: Atlanta
State: GA
Zipcode: 30309

Note that a transfer fee will be deducted from the funds you are sending

I will appreciate you help her out by putting her through as soon as she arrives in the States so she can get a bank account opened that way i will be able to send the remaining rent fee to her all at once when i get back from my trip ,so she can pay you on the first or each month or all at once pending on how you want the fee.


Please send the funds to the information above and email me the actual amount sent and the REFERENCE number and the actual amount sent.
As soon as i get the details i will forward you her flight itinerary so you can be aware of her arrival date and time .

Thanks a whole lot for your offer of accommodation i really do appreciate.


Martins.

                           A DEPENDABLE NAME IN ELECTRONICS WORLD

Oh, kadang kala, tahi memang berlaku. Well, I have the last word for now: "I'm honest and would not want to cheat you off your money". Ambik kau liar liar pants on fire.

Pictures For Another Day

I have a volume of pictures compromising my delicate identity as a cutie (haha). Really. Feast on your eyes on these latest (or old, if you want to be technical) snapshots that have found its way to my collection.

Imagine my horror when a primary schoolmate posted these old pictures on Facebook, where they are available to all willing eyes and ready laughter.

They were taken circa 2000, and I was bawling next to Sofia (one of my dearest friends) over our UPSR results. Uh-uh, I was that lame; to think it was only UPSR and I obviously had a farther journey and a million more hardships to endure (like the current battle with this procrastination disease I contracted in my tertiary education).

But it's okay, I'm actually keeping an inventory of these sensationally ugly pictures for memories of what a silly jester I am. I think It's important to be able to see unpolished images of yourself, because after all, the most human of people are people who can laugh at themselves.

Keep the pictures coming. We have an album to fill and with that, years of laughter ahead, friends =)

Am I Doing The Pantomime?

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinion, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation." -Oscar Wilde

What if we are nothing underneath our skin? Perhaps we are merely a collection of thoughts learned, quotes found, passions emulated and dreams followed. Maybe I am. The thought is too depressing for a weekend half wasted. Oh tidak. I need some green tea ice-cream. And some catching up with the surreal biatches living their unrealistic lives in the Upper East Side. Oh boy.

Open Letter to Nima from Azriel

In another compartment of my life, there is that world of Ben10, High School Musical and Hannah Montana I am missing. Because, in another life outside of school, I am Nima, the young aunt to two very precious kids. The knowledge that there are two idolizing kids putting me high up on a pedestal is such an empowering feeling. It keeps me going.

Attached herewith is a letter--obviously written by my dear and only sister--in the voice of my nephew Ayell, that has brought me much warmth despite the encroaching winter. (Yup, fishcake and curry, winter is hurling here in a hurry!)

Dear Nima,

We received your Halloween Card with much love and thanks. Kakak Myra was soo happy to receive it that she actually kissed the card a few times. I (Ayell) was psyched too and instantly took a pen to sign my autograph on the envelope and when Kakak scolded me I proceeded to bite her hand... That was fun coz I enjoyed being Dracula.. Die die die!!

Anyways, we miss you lots and looking forward to receiving the much promised costumes for next year's Halloween.. and oooh, some candies would be good too!! hehehehe especially Mummy's favorite Resse's Pieces cup and other Hershey's goodies. And knowing Mummy she will surely have her own list of her wants - what else is new? Papa's already given up on trying to change Mummy's shopaholic-ness.. :))

Kakak Myra will be going to HSM the Musical in December with Mummy and seperti biasa I kena tinggal lah... Ben10 is on next weekend but Mummy says that we can't go coz we nak balik kampung.. So kesian me right?.. But no worries, I will terrorize Mummy and Kakak so bad they will regret not taking me to HSM.. Gooo Wildcats!!

Mummy is currently looking for a HSM related costume for Kakak to wear to show and I know exactly the cheerleader uniform that Kakak can wear.. In fact, I can also wear the Wildcats Jersey if I'm allowed to come.. However, Mummy says that it is too expensive in Mothercare for something we'll only wear once and so she's currently looking for some knockoffs.. Well I wish her good luck!!

I think that's about it for now.. You should really check out my pictures at Mummy's Flickr.. I must say I've grown into such a handsome Japanese / Korean boy lookalike being, unlike my Uncle Sir.. hehehe but sometimes Mummy says that i look a lot like Uncle Sir and that my temper is exactly like his too.. that's kinda scary, but i wouldn't mind being smart and articulate like him and you...

Do take care Nima, and remember that we love you lots!! You should really call Mummy soon coz I think she needs to trash out her not so teenage drama life with you.. Surely you don't think you're the only ones with the drama do you? hehehe.

Your Nephew,
Azriel Ben10 Mirza Ultraman Hasmanizar

ps: you should also check out this hangat cum notty pic of Kakak Myra and Aunkie Long 'drinking' during Aunkie Long's birthday lunch... Sheeshhh right? hehehe

 N.B:
Uncle Sir is my brother's moniker among the kids. He has this Hitler-like dream that the kids would snap to his command and salute in respect when greeting him with the nickname. And the thing is, they idolize him so much that they really do hang on to Uncle "Cher's" every word, ie Nima gets beaten every time Uncle "Cher" tells the kids to. Dammit.

Aunkie is aunty in baby talk of the Ismail household. Comel lah sangat sampai rasa nak picit-picit budak-budak ni.

Project Apartment 2009

The present me is nothing like the old me.

The old me, during her high school years, had boys to finish her woodwork for the practical component of Living Skills Studies. The old me got her sawed pieces done, only to find that she couldn't connect the pieces together because her "tanggam parit" was not level. She then miraculously found her project become Jack's. Jack, by the way, was a year older, and had no business whatsoever in the Living Skills workshop. Jack would cordon off some time for my woodwork and even recruited a couple of friends to help expedite the "Help Poor Nj's Ugly Woodwork Project".

The story did not not end there. My multi-purpose wood box was to come with a quilted cover. The beginning of the project was easy enough. I picked a cool-looking cotton cloth, I cut the pieces, quilted it fine, had the teacher trim the edges, but patience I had none when it came to fitting the cover over the woodwork. Off to a tailor in SS2 the cover went. And that, my friends, was how bad I was at all things practical.

But as I said, the present me is nothing like her old, inept self, especially after I find myself heavily vested in a pet project dubbed Project Apartment 2009.

Project Apartment 2009 was not an easy task. It began in April with a search for an apartment, and it couldn't just be the high-rise apartments most international students seem to prefer. I held fast to a dream of living in a quaint, walk-up apartment that was as far away from campus as I could get. Most students who embarked into the off-campus world would opt to live within walking distance from the quads, but I wanted to to be put up close to the lakefront (Lake Michigan).

5430 S. Cornell Ave, Apt. 5R possessed the fierce desires of my heart, and more. Papers were signed, fantasies began, and the project was flagged off.

The search for all things interior and secondhand was by all means long and difficult. But tenacity (and not to mention superior persistent bugging and bargaining skills) pays off, because my roommate Samina and I, both have a place we will be in love with until the day we leave school.

The new me, is someone who disassembled and re-assembled her secondhand furniture, from scratch. Armed with an Ikea toolbox (borrowed, and not yet returned, haha) and sometimes no instruction manual, I screwed, hit, twisted and pushed things into place. Sometimes it took an extra limb or two or required interesting squatting positions or laying down on pieces, and I did it all. Sometimes it took gentle hammering and patience to dislodge a piece while other times required simultaneous jumping, pushing and grunting. But it's all good.

The new me, is someone who painted a feature wall with her favorite color all by herself. For a first timer, it is a job well-done if I must say so myself. There are minimal smudges where the masking tape gave in to the paint, but otherwise I took the pains of wiping the paint with warm water when the stain was unbearable for this naked eye. The new me, is also someone who painted a full-length mirror just so everything in the room matches, and the white bare walls opposite the feature wall didn't look too boring.

The new me takes pride in knowing the different tools in the toolbox and praises the Living Skills curriculum for that. The new me is someone who thinks of playing engineer and tries to repair a broken DVD player, and then surprises herself completely when she miraculously does.

The new me has a home she sort of built from scratch, and she is proud of that.

The new me, unfortunately, is still too short to change a light bulb without a chair. Dammit!

 

Credits to Chong Han and Saleema Nawab for helping Samina and I transport our stuff on that rainy, gloomy day in June. Heartfelt thanks to Adam Johari and Kudzai Ndondo who spent days helping us carry everything in and out of the car or UHaul, via flights of stairs, firescape and spiral staircase and finally, into our home. Adam Johari and Adzwan Anuar also took this little kid to the funland called Ikea, and she owes them one.

Hugs to Samina Lutfeali who shared my ideals and built this comfortable home together. Special thanks goes to Maggie Chow and Huiying Chan for selling me a bulk of the furniture in my room. Project Apartment 2009 couldn't have materialized without these people. Grazie and gracias again.

Sleepless in Chicago Waiting for Perfect Man to End Her Sleepless Nights

I'm accepting boyfriends with captivating cover letters and brilliant CVs. Talents aside boring academic achievements and computer literacy are given strong preference. Although a good GPA is a strong indicator of your priorities (be it upright, or not right), I am willing to overlook that tiny detail if "spooning" is included in your list of experiences.
 
Merits are given to men who possess the ability to make others laugh, who don't mind listening to a woman's pointless, verbose stories and most importantly, who is not berkira. You will automatically be considered if the application covers some experience in patiently waiting for an indecisive girl while she shops.

All things considered, applicants with successful achievements at domestic capacities (like cooking, washing, cleaning) will be shortlisted for Webcam interviews. This is not, in any way, hinting at the possibility I will make a lousy wife. Rather, I am looking for men who would like to share the love and burden in the upkeep of a household, and not the "You duduk dapur, I tengok bola, makan pizza jadi buncit" kind of guy.

A detailed account of your previous relationships are encouraged, but not required. Note that intimacy and how you "got physical" with your exes are one of the few things I absolutely don't have to know, don't want to know and don't need to know about. Euw and double euw.

Since I am an equal opportunity "recruiter", I ask that you please don't include your passport-sized photos. I look for your "voice" in the CV, not your handsome Bollywood face, your mancung, mat salleh-like nose, or your $1000 braces, thank you very much.

Personality, no doubt, triumphs over beauty, but I would be extremely delighted if you could kindly insert snapshots of your fingers and arms. Long, nimble fingers are my fetish, and strong-looking arms with tersembul-sembul veins are the kinds I dig, kapiche?

 

Effective immediately, with an open deadline to date. No longer accepting applications once this frantic search for the imperfect men perfectly perfect for the imperfect me is over.

Please revert applications to njahmat@734 eh eh tekan tekan tak dapat.

JFL ya'll. (Just for laughs). Just for laughs, right. And to let off some steam as I pull off, yet again, a late night in the library.

As a parting treat, enjoy some cheesy ads I found from fusion101.com.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, Call (xxx) xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy. Our Note: The ad above turned out to be an adoption offer for a black labrador retriever 8 week female from the Atlanta humane Society. It had 15,000 calls from men all over the country!!!!

---

Knight Seek His Queen
Male Seeking Female, 28 years old, 6’ 4” tall
This knight in shining armour is seeking an audience with the queen. If you enjoy having a man make you dinner, a man who will sweep you off your feet, treat you to the world of never ending respect, with adventure, humor, kindness, relaxation, and love mixed in for a solid foundation, than perhaps you are the queen for me. The Knight requests a Queen who will dress to impress. I will bow at your feet. If I sound interesting or you have a wish to find the man of your dreams, look no further, your Knight in shining armour has arrived.

---

1970 GMC w/Jet Skiis SWM, NM, GL, NS, SD, AC. Low mileage, custom paint, long sandy blonde graphics. 6'2" Lift. Bright hazel headlights will take 20-30 SF anywhere. Email for free test drive/ride.

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When I was thirty my dates had to be young, tall, handsome, rich, intelligent. Now I'm 64, they only have to know how to read and use the telephone!