Divert. Divert.

Ahem. So, I'm actually really shyshy about telling people I love them. Especially to family members. Given my circumstances, I've never actually uttered the full, magic three words to anyone of my kin. Only an occasional "love you" to my sister or dad, and never to my brother and mom (just turns out that way, don't ask me why), I always end my terribly long emails with a "Miss you all", "Love you all" or "Send my love to everyone at home". And for those who know how I totally adore my grandmother: yes, even to my grandmother yang comel pun the closest I'll get to expressing how much I love her is just "Rindunyeee kat Wan".

Something is terribly wrong with me--so ego/emotionally-staid when it comes to family.
But with boyfriends, handal lah pulak ber "i love you-i love you" in cards, text messages and whatnot. And for this reason lah, I want my boyfriend to come back to me, or I want a new boyfriend. Haha, so I can actually call someone up to say "I love you". I've let my guard down with friends, and can now successfully say "Love you" to close companions like Puan Rohani, Ems, Ainul, and etc. But it's still tough going through life not being able to say I love you to people who matter most. This must be a result of the emotional trauma/deprived childhood I believe I've had to live with. Hmm. But again, that should be a great subject for another entry on another day.

Hm, anyways, let's just say that I'd rather die first than let my sister read that previous post I read for/about her. Hehe. So, as a diversion to that, do read on and you'll find my "personal statement". I dug it up from my university applications last two years. I can't believe I tried to summarize my life in two pages! Two freaking pages certainly does not do justice in trying to explain my roller-coaster of a life. I was pretty much ROFL soon as I finished reading this one (read the bit I goreng-ed about Econ). Yeah, so, it's just something I felt like sharing since I'm swamped with work (due to Finals week) but still stubbornly want to update this blog, and of course, to divert everyone's attention from my prior oh-so-sappy post=)

"My childhood was everything but normal. My parents had long been separated and I’ve lived with my grandmother as long as I can remember. I supposedly shared a cozy home with my grandparents, mother, brother, sister, house-helper, and uncle, but I never saw much of my sister who already went to boarding school when I was a toddler and who then embarked to the US in my primary years. My brother back then was a teenage rebel who rejoiced in playing truant and slacking in school.

Sadly too, my mother in her phase of depression was never much in the picture of my growing up. She came about much later in my life, but I don’t blame her for that. Paradoxical as it may seem, it was my father, whom I did not stay with, who played a role in taking me to school, providing me allowance and looking after my welfare. As much care as he could give, I lusted for a full-time father-figure in my life, one who could swing me in his arms, and answer my 1001 curious questions about life.

Fortunately, I had ‘Pok Chu’, my live-in uncle, to fill that role. I spent a substantial amount of time with him; I went for dinners with him and Grandpa, played in his room, and ultimately pestered him with my childish hunger for answers. He satiated my curiosity on the Bermuda Triangle, buildings, history, geography, and many more. I especially loved the way he treated me like an equal, and always understood what I meant. I credit him for instilling in me the love of knowledge and the courage to always ask.

On top of that, life was always interesting in the ‘full house’ that I grew up in. My three aunts were an everyday fixture there, and everyday was chaos with all the heads in the house. Life wasn’t and still isn’t smooth-sailing, though. Bickering, quarrels and animosity surround my household. Through all the fights between my mom and her siblings or my sister, plus my brother with his foul-temper and spoiled ways, I’ve seen the bitter side of life. I marvel at how my dysfunctional family still holds on to the ties that bind, evinced through the crowd still gathered at Grandma’s home until today.

Things were complicated for me, but altogether they create a jigsaw puzzle that makes sense and carry a purpose. My circumstances carry the purpose of teaching me a thing or two. For one, I learnt to be a strong and independent person, for I believed then, that I had nobody to turn to. I also learnt to pick up after myself, and to be self-sufficient for life has taught me in a convoluted way that we can’t completely depend on others. Another good thing that has come out of my idiosyncratic childhood is that I was comfortable with adults as I was always surrounded by them. It made me mature in my thinking and self-conduct. I remember I was always the girl whom my friends’ mothers would praise for her clever words and manners.

Despite the turmoil in my personal life, I am proud to say that I turned out to be a mild-mannered girl, with a clean report card in her primary years. Come high school, I escaped the comfort and ‘discomfort’ of home as I fled to a private boarding school called Saad Foundation College (SFC). SFC relieved me from the woes of my semi-vacant childhood, by offering me plenty of room and chances to grow. This was a place where a whole new chapter began, and which further mould me into what I am today. I may have earned my ‘A’s in primary school, but I was a downright plain girl with modest achievements. SFC unveiled my true potentials.

I became actively involved in music, sports, student bodies and clubs. From no musical background, I learnt to be good at violin, and became a violinist in the school orchestra. Through the orchestra activities, I kicked my habit of being too self-sufficient and started to believe in the help of others and teamwork. I found my voice and passion in helping juniors and peers as I was elected as leader in my house and clubs. Through all the dramas and competitions I participated in, I learnt to contribute my energy and give selflessly, and felt the wonderful feeling of being a person people can depend on. I even surprised myself by learning hockey and being chosen for the school team, for I have never thought of myself as a very athletic person. Of course, I continued to learn diligently in the sincere quest for knowledge (as my uncle taught me), and worked my way to the top of my class with an almost flawless report card throughout my five years there.

I began to consider Economics, my chosen major, at SFC too. One day in a Biology lecture on respiration and exchange of gasses, my teacher exclaimed “Everything boils down to the Law of Supply and Demand”. I was taken aback. It was exactly what my brother, who is still a major pain but is now working in the banking sector, had once said. He had been feeding me with economic, poverty and scarcity issues in Malaysia. And I was hooked. I was enraptured by the fact that economics encompassed social issues, humanities, real life, and can even be related to Biology! I am deeply moved at the sight of a dirty beggar and shops with zero customers, and have always wanted to do something about it. I knew then that Economics is what I will pursue, and I got my ticket after securing a scholarship from the Central Bank of Malaysia.

Looking back, I realize that SFC turned my life around, and even if my childhood was a setback, I still managed to emerge triumphant out of it. I know that the US holds bigger shocks, surprises, chances and holdups, but I can guarantee you that I will sail smoothly, for I’ve experienced them all before."