I know he doesn't read my blog, and I know some of you may think it's pointless, but I'm just gonna go ahead and fill this snippet with my birthday wishes to that lad in Moscow.
Happy 20th birthday. My friend told me that if I don't call you on your special day, the relationship is as good as over. And I don't want that. If it's gonna end, it's gonna end properly, with you telling me what you want, or till that day I finally see the light at the end of this tunnel.
And so I called, and I'm glad that you sounded happy even if we only talked for a split second before your friends bombarded your room to celebrate your birthday. Seriously, I'm not mad at all, I hope you don't think I was angry. You deserve some time off there in Moscow, and I know how it feels to be overwhelmed by friends who actually care enough to come and sing you birthday songs and pull pranks on you.
Two years have not been easy, and I appreciate every single thing we've gone through. It's rather easy for everyone to just say I need to move on, I know, but there's just so many things I'm thinking about. I think too much about the future, about not getting married, about not finding the "perfect" (of course, imperfect, but just the way I want him to be) man, and about maybe letting go of the person who might be the one. And maybe I've been making you sound really bad by whining about this dying relationship to people who don't know you, and who'd obviously take my side. But they don't know that you're a great guy, albeit poyo to some, but still my very important poyo person.
You were a good friend before you were a lover. I enjoyed the dinners we had at INTEC, and the conversations we shared. It's crazy to think what time and distance can do to you, because I know it's not very long ago when we could SMS like nobody's business and you'd call me everyday, for our short conversations, just the way I like it (yes, I don't really like to gayut lame-lame).
As my boyfriend, I must thank you for the countless times you paid for my movies, paid for my meals, walked me back home to mama's house (haha, and had to endure the interrogation session she gave you), waited for me although it killed you. I truly exercised my tyranny, knowing that I could do anything to you and get away with it. Haha. Although I complain that you don't write me cards, or send me presents, I like the way you hugged me, held my hands and looked at me like I'm the only person in the room, dengan tanpa pura-pura depan orang lain. That's one reason why I like you, because what you see is what you get.
Of course there're many things if I could, I would change about you, but then again, I'm not always perfect, aren't I? I've not been a good girlfriend in many ways, and that I openly confess now. But as I told Ems and Ainul when I was so swooned by this relationship, you've got the tangan berurat2 (haha), jari runcing (yes!), and the power main bola/sports quality-so dah pass banyak aspects of my QC. Most importantly, you are confident (not the tak lepas laku, tak reti cakap kind), and you've got so much drive in you.
However, as time progressed, I must admit I let my ideals get in the way, especially when I look at some of my friends whose boyfriends are rich, who can drive them around everywhere, buy them expensive presents, take them for those romantic dinners I've always been bugging you about; when I should have appreciated you just the way you are.
Surprise surprise, now that I write this, I realize that I've just been a spoiled girl who has too many ideals, and that never helps a relationship. But so much has lapsed between us, and I don't know what I feel about us anymore. And you saying "ntahla, i don't know lah" doesn't help much for me to feel this again. I just want you to tell me whether you still want me and it's just that your course is taking up your life, but you still want to go on with it. Or the other way around, whatever rocks your pansies (or boxers, in this case, haha. Haiyo, can still buat lawak).
All that aside, again I just wanna wish you a very happy birthday. If things don't turn out the way we thought it would, I guess I'll try to smile because it happened, and not dwell on why it's over. Thank you for everything, sayang.
8 comments:
smile because it happened, and not dwell on why it's over...
its still not over so dun give up.
uve so many experiences in relationship. learn from them to improve the current one.
chillex.
jackkkk!!!! anda baca blog ini. *muka malu*. hahahhahaaa. thanks for the piece of advice. "chillex". i rase dah 5 kali u told me that. haha.
zomg..i cried bila baca post ni.so sweet NJ... T__T...
omg NJ bapak sedih. bila nak datang madison ni?
mabij, hahah. tulah. thot nak gi madison and milwaukee like minggu ni. but i pokai sangat2. maybe next yr, some weekend. i ade suicide prevention weekend next quarter! so ade 4 days=) that should be good!
Babe,
I so respect u for being the one with the bigger heart. I mean, rather than taking it negatively, you embrace it with honesty and courage. I mean, you are not denying that there is a problem, but at the same time you've prepared urslef for wutever may come ahead.
What ever happens babe, just remember, that at least you had the chance of being his gurl.. =)
BIG BEAR HUG FROM ME!!!!!
it has been 2 weeks,,now bbut still my heart cant beat normally,,every times i walk alone at some street,i saw u,every times i drank coffea,i think bout you,every time i walk i even see you....i really2 such a fool n such an idoit for not appreciating every single things that are special bout you..everyone said,bunge bukan sekuntum you can cari lain...tapi if you are bunge emas,mane nak carik lain??? nurjannah,i know right now you dont care,n you dont feel anything...but everyday i asked God so that you can still believe in me n accept me once again..but right now...i cant forget anthings bout you..n roght now i really regret coz i dont appreciate you...i learnt my lesson,n i want to ask for 2nd chances..n this time it gonna be very different...mayb you dont feel anything but for me it does..
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